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Thread: [Forum Game] Mock Execrable Fanfic I

  1. #1
    Super Moderator Bryce's Avatar
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    [Forum Game] Mock Execrable Fanfic I

    Concept: MST3K (or just plain mock line-by-line) the bad fanfic posted by the previous user. Find and post bad fanfic for the next person to mock.

    Rules:
    1. Fanfic should be suitable for this forum in terms of content.
    2. It should be from a show that most people here are familiar with. (CDRR is an especially safe bet but other things are okay too.)
    3. Don't post anything that's tremendously long; excerpts of larger fanfics are fine. Use your best judgment.

    Some places to look for badfic:
    http://www.fanfiction.net/cartoon/Ch...escue_Rangers/
    http://www.theacorncafe.org/phpbb/viewforum.php?f=3
    http://rrdatabase.dyndns.org/written/
    (Not implying that all fanfic at these places are bad, of course!)
    Last edited by Bryce; 12-23-2011 at 07:27 PM.

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  3. #2
    Super Moderator Bryce's Avatar
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    I nominate this for the first one: http://www.theacorncafe.org/phpbb/vi...hp?f=3&t=22334

    Wescott, Jermey Manniax and Chax Bendict Are own By Carl Edward III
    Alex II Own by Me
    Sonic the Hedgehog and Freedom Fighters own by DIC, 4Kids, Archie and Sega
    Rescue Rangers Own By Disney

    Here the Story Right now the Beging

    Cut to New York City 2008, RR HQ

    Chip: Hay guys a Villian Brake into a Ice Factory

    Gadget: Golly What they want there

    Dale: A Big Ice Party

    Chip Bonk Dale on the head "NO you silly something eles"

    Alex II: We better check it out

    Chip: You Right Alex II Let go

    All: RESCUE RANGERS AWAY

    *Cut to the Ice Factory in NY City*

    Chip: It quite too Quite

    Dale: it could be a trap

    Flash: Why you think of that?

    THen he Cage came on them As the Villians Came out and Laughting

    Fat Cat: HAAHAHHA You Fell into our trap

    Chip: Fat Cat, Capone, Nimibul and Jermey Manniax

    Wescot: OK Manniax WHAT YOU WANT

    Fat Cat: OH Well We want one person allways Foling our Plans Alexander Armington II and As you Rescue Rangers our Servent to take over the world

    Alex II: HA I Will Stop you Fat Cat

    Fat Cat: Well That what you think Now Nimibul

    Nimibul Fire his Freezee Ray at Alex II as he got Frozen Stift

    Lawahine: ALEX II!

    Chip: WHAT You do to him

    Jemery Manniax: Like Fat Cat Say We want him out of our way so We Froze him now he will be in the water hehehee

    Fat Cat: As all of you become our Servents

    Gadget: We won't Served You!

    Fat Cat: Like you have a choice NOW Nimibul

    Nimibul Fire a Dark Lquid into the Rescue Rangers as there eyes turn Red then they smile evil too

    Rescue Rangers; We will Served you Fat Cat

    Fat Cat: HAHHAHAHAHAHHA I WON Alex II IS OUT OF MY WAY, Rescue Rangers is OURS NEW YORK CITY IS OURS TOOO HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

    It gets worse after that.

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    Super Moderator Light's Avatar
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    Wescott, Jermey Manniax and Chax Bendict Are own By Carl Edward III
    Alex II Own by Me
    Sonic the Hedgehog and Freedom Fighters own by DIC, 4Kids, Archie and Sega
    Rescue Rangers Own By Disney
    Alex II own by me? Is Alex II's middle name Mary and last name Sue? I wonder what incredible traits and characteristics this character will have besides destroying the english language and summoning grammar nazis.

    Here the Story Right now the Beging
    It was long tim Ago in galexy far for awey.

    Cut to New York City 2008, RR HQ
    That marks around 18 years the show has been cancelled. You'd think any sane person would move on with their lives, write a real novel, make actual money. But first you'd need to learn spell check to do that. Our boy Charles here hasn't gotten very far since 1990.

    Chip: Hay guys a Villian Brake into a Ice Factory
    All Your Base Are Belong To Us.

    Gadget: Golly What they want there

    Dale: A Big Ice Party

    Chip Bonk Dale on the head "NO you silly something eles"

    Alex II: We better check it out

    Chip: You Right Alex II Let go
    Then Monty scratches his head and asks, "Crikey, who is Alex II, why is he here, and does the author not know what a plot hole is. Crikey!"

    All: RESCUE RANGERS AWAY

    *Cut to the Ice Factory in NY City*

    Chip: It quite too Quite

    Dale: it could be a trap
    Any reader should be warned that this fanfic is a trap. It'll kill all your brain cells upon reading.

    Flash: Why you think of that?

    THen he Cage came on them As the Villians Came out and Laughting
    The cage is a he? What's the difference between a he cage and a she cage. If you stick a key into a she cage, will she have little cages?

    Fat Cat: HAAHAHHA You Fell into our trap

    Chip: Fat Cat, Capone, Nimibul and Jermey Manniax

    Wescot: OK Manniax WHAT YOU WANT
    What Maaniax, whoever the hell that is, wants is for Charles Roberts to go back to school. It's never too late to go back after dropping out of the second grade. Maybe his writing will improve then.

    Fat Cat: OH Well We want one person allways Foling our Plans Alexander Armington II and As you Rescue Rangers our Servent to take over the world
    I don't know what a cat, mad scientist, and whoever Manniax is could do about taking over the world but they could at least take over Detroit easily if the residents are like the author of this story.

    Alex II: HA I Will Stop you Fat Cat

    Fat Cat: Well That what you think Now Nimibul

    Nimibul Fire his Freezee Ray at Alex II as he got Frozen Stift

    Lawahine: ALEX II!

    Chip: WHAT You do to him
    I bet some readers would guess that he was frozen but then again, what do they know cause they probably have more ADD than the author does.

    Jemery Manniax: Like Fat Cat Say We want him out of our way so We Froze him now he will be in the water hehehee

    Fat Cat: As all of you become our Servents

    Gadget: We won't Served You!

    Fat Cat: Like you have a choice NOW Nimibul

    Nimibul Fire a Dark Lquid into the Rescue Rangers as there eyes turn Red then they smile evil too

    Rescue Rangers; We will Served you Fat Cat

    Fat Cat: HAHHAHAHAHAHHA I WON Alex II IS OUT OF MY WAY, Rescue Rangers is OURS NEW YORK CITY IS OURS TOOO HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
    HAHHAHAHAHAHHA, but their real plan is to release this horrible fanfic on the internet, thus boosting support in expanding the language of SOPA to include complete internet censorship because after reading this, Congress will think the internet is being run by grammar terrorists. The End or as Charles Roberts would write "THWE ANd."
    "Light got disconnect?ed from the community, and Ducky seems to be in love with him"

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    Super Moderator Light's Avatar
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    I nominate this uneventful dive into a fantasy that many pro's see happening between Chip and Gadget of Rescue Rangers cartoon show:

    http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4410079/1/Depressed

    Now this is a ChipxGadget fan fiction
    Now this is a ChipxGadget fan fiction. If you don't like it, don't read. Enjoy.

    Chip was sitting in the Rescue Ranger kitchen, feeling blue. He felt that Gadget didn't even know that even he exists. Besides missions, she was oblivious to him. He collapsed his head in his arms, and accidentally hit his head on the table.

    "Ow," said Chip as he rubbed his head. Then Monty came in. "Hey Chipper, why the long face?" His sidekick Zipper floated by Monty's side.

    "It's nothing Monty," said Chip, feeling more depressed than before. Monty shrugged and left the kitchen while munching on cheese. Zipper flew to Chip and whispered something in his ear.

    "No, it's nothing to do about you," Zipper sighed in relief and caught up to Monty. Chip glared and got up.

    "I need to solve this on my own," said Chip. "Solve what on your own?" Chip's eyes shrank to dots and turned around to find Gadget. She sat next to him and waited for his answer. Chip gazed into her eyes and blushed greatly. Gadget giggled at his flushed face.

    "Gadget, do you…," He stopped in the middle of his sentence. Gadget was confused. "Do I what?" Chip couldn't get the rest out, he was too nervous, too scared.

    "Do you hate me?" Gadget was taken back, Chip realized what he said and got up to leave.

    "Wait Chip, what do you mean?" Chip shook his head and replied.

    "I mean, you haven't been paying any attention to me for the past two weeks, you only listened to me when I give orders on missions." Gadget felt guilt build up inside her, it was true, she hadn't talked to him in days.

    "Golly Chip, I don't know what to say, it's true, I haven't been talking to you in days, and I'm sorry." Gadget felt small tears build up. Chip wiped them away with his thumb, and kissed her cheek softly. Gadget immediately blushed a deep cherry red.

    "Gadget, do you like me?" Gadget felt her face flush an even deeper red. "You mean as a friend, or boyfriend and girlfriend?"

    Chip blushed the same color of red as Gadget. "Either one is fine,"

    "I can't seem to choose, because I like you as a boyfriend and a friend," Chip smiled and the two came closer, but the closer they got, the deeper they blushed. Chip wrapped his hands on her waist, Gadget wrapped her hands on his neck, they moved closer and a gap formed between them. For what seemed like eternity, but was it actually 5 minuets. Chip broke the kiss.

    "Gadget, listen thanks for keeping me company, I really needed it." There was a moment of silence when Chip gazed at Gadget, she caught on quickly and blushed bright red. She smiled as Chip took her hand gently and they nuzzled their noses, and they didn't want to stop.

    END

    Enjoy

    See Ya
    "Light got disconnect?ed from the community, and Ducky seems to be in love with him"

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  9. #5
    Super Moderator Bryce's Avatar
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    In the basement of a clandestine lab, hidden from the scrutiny of any Animal
    Care and Use Committee, the erstwhile Rescue Rangers are exposed to
    bad fanfic in the name of Mad Science...

    Now this is a ChipxGadget fan fiction
    Dale: What's a Chipekskajit?

    Monty: An Indian tribe.

    Now this is a ChipxGadget fan fiction.
    Chip: Great, not only is it bad fanfic, the record's broken.

    If you don't like it, don't read. Enjoy.
    Dale: Like we have a choice!


    Chip was sitting in the Rescue Ranger kitchen, feeling blue.
    Dale: Not feeling brown?

    Chip: That wasn't funny when the Lion King used it either, Dale.

    He felt that Gadget didn't even know that even he exists.
    Besides missions, she was oblivious to him.
    Gadget: That's ridiculous! I'm not oblivious to anything.

    He collapsed his head in his arms,
    Monty: Mmm. Never seen a chipmunk with a collapsible 'ead.

    Chip: What about Dale?

    and accidentally hit his head on the table.

    "Ow," said Chip as he rubbed his head. Then Monty came in. "Hey Chipper, why the long face?" His sidekick Zipper floated by Monty's side.
    Gadget: When did he get an anti-gravity device?

    "It's nothing Monty," said Chip, feeling more depressed than before. Monty shrugged and left the kitchen while munching on cheese.
    Monty: Guys... be 'onest... am I lettin' myself be defined by me fondness for cheese?

    Chip: Maybe just a little.

    Zipper flew to Chip and whispered something in his ear.
    Dale: Oh, so this is actually a Chip X Zipper fic...

    Chip: Hey, Monty, wanna see a demonstration of Dale's collapsible head?


    "No, it's nothing to do about you," Zipper sighed in relief and caught up to Monty.
    Chip: Zipper must have thought I was still mad at him for putting the empty jam jar back in the refrigerator.

    Gadget: ... twice.

    Chip glared and got up.

    "I need to solve this on my own," said Chip. "Solve what on your own?"
    Dale: Chip's talking to himself again.

    Chip's eyes shrank to dots and turned around to find Gadget.
    Gadget: That makes sense. I am a board-certified ophthalmologist.

    Chip: What, what?

    Gadget: I have a life outside of the Rangers, you know.

    She sat next to him and waited for his answer.
    Dale: To what question?

    Gadget: "So, Chip, how long have your pupils been like that?," I assume.

    Chip gazed into her eyes and blushed greatly.

    Gadget giggled at his flushed face.
    Gadget: I guess I found his social distress amusing for some reason.

    "Gadget, do you…," He stopped in the middle of his sentence.
    Gadget: Well, yes, Chip, I do. I mean, it's nothing to be embarrassed about, and --

    Gadget was confused. "Do I what?" Chip couldn't get the rest out, he was too nervous, too scared.
    Dale: Chip can't be blamed for his repressive and puritanical upbringing.

    Chip bonks Dale on the head.
    Chip: I also endorse corporal punishment. Heartily.

    "Do you hate me?" Gadget was taken back,
    Gadget: Gee. Hate's such a strong word.

    Chip realized what he said and got up to leave.
    Chip: Calmly and without back-peddling at all.

    "Wait Chip, what do you mean?" Chip shook his head and replied.

    "I mean, you haven't been paying any attention to me for the past two weeks, you only listened to me when I give orders on missions." Gadget felt guilt build up inside her,
    Gadget: This feeling... I've never experienced it before... is this what you call "guilt"?

    Monty: If you didn't feel it when you tried to blow up poor ol' Zipper with dynamite --

    Gadget: Er. No, I think it's just heartburn from this darn curry. Nevermind.

    it was true, she hadn't talked to him in days.
    Gadget: I was on vacation!

    "Golly Chip, I don't know what to say, it's true, I haven't been talking to you in days, and I'm sorry." Gadget felt small tears build up.
    Chip wiped them away with his thumb,
    Dale: *gouge* I saw you looking at that roguishly handsome fellow, Dale! No more!

    and kissed her cheek softly. Gadget immediately blushed a deep cherry red.
    Monty: Gadget 'as a life threatenin' allergic reaction to Chipmunk saliva.

    "Gadget, do you like me?" Gadget felt her face flush an even deeper red. "You mean as a friend,
    Gadget: Of course!

    or boyfriend and girlfriend?"
    Gadget: Hrm. It would be hard to for him to be both. I mean certainly it would
    be difficult biologically for most people, I suppose with the right surgery
    he - or she - could be each in sequence, or maybe it's meant less literally,
    and he'd be mostly my boyfriend, but we'd also go shopping and in the
    stereotypical manner, and I'd complain about my boyfriend - that is, him in
    his capacity as my boyfriend, to him in her capacity as my girlfriend, and --

    Monty: Give it up.

    Chip blushed the same color of red as Gadget.
    Monty: The pox!

    "Either one is fine,"

    "I can't seem to choose, because I like you as a boyfriend and a friend," Chip smiled and the two came closer, but the closer they got, the deeper they blushed.
    Gadget: Did the saturation of the color follow an inverse-square law, or was it just linear?

    Monty: 'Ow much can you blush, anyway?

    Chip wrapped his hands on her waist,

    Gadget wrapped her hands on his neck, they moved closer and a gap formed between them.
    Gadget: Golly, this must represent a whole new principle of physics - we got closer and then a gap formed! Isn't this exciting, Chip?

    Chip: Gee. Physics. I'm so lucky.

    For what seemed like eternity, but was it actually 5 minuets.
    Dale: They were dancing too?

    Chip broke the kiss.
    Gadget: What kiss? There was a gap!

    "Gadget, listen thanks for keeping me company, I really needed it." There was a moment of silence when Chip gazed at Gadget,
    ...


    she caught on quickly
    Monty: There's a first.

    Gadget: Eh?

    Monty: Right.

    and blushed bright red.
    Chip: What are we, cuttlefish?

    Monty: Whole lot of blushing going on in this one...

    She smiled as Chip took her hand gently and they nuzzled their noses, and they didn't want to stop.
    Dale: Bow-chika-wow-wow.

    END

    Enjoy

    See Ya
    AND THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING.

    Will post the next story in the chain shortly.

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  11. #6
    Super Moderator Bryce's Avatar
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    Here you go.

    Mystery of the Canned Cat Food

    By W0nderboy

    Chapter 1
    Based on the report from the files of Monterey Jack

    For the many years I've been with the Rescue Rangers, I've seen many things in my time, but when you seen a mere chipmunk solve a unsolvable crime, then you can claim you've seen everything. It started one hot day in July. Dale was at a comic book festival. And Gadget and Zipper were visit her relitives. There were no new cases becuase of the heat, so Chip settle down with a book. His was a book about deduction. Chip was wild about stuff like that, trying to imatated his hero. I preferred my own, "Cheeses of the World." I was about to get to chedders when I cry outside interupted both of us. Imagine our surprise to see Max outside of our house. He was shaking, more than usual. Chip saw it too. "I...I need your help."
    "Get out of here you crooked cat", I said, "Tell Fat Cat we're not interested.
    "But he's dead."

    Chapter 2
    Strange Scratches

    Fat Cat's body was found in his headquarters where they left it. He was leaning over in a chair. His face was twisted into a face of horror. The knife which was the killer, was plunged in his stomach. There was alot of blood all over the place. Chip turned Max. When did you find him like this?"
    "Around six."
    "Where were you last night."
    "Sleeping off a stomachache."
    "What was it from?"
    "A jar of peanut butter that was recently tossed out."
    "Did you hear anything at all?"
    "I heared him groaning, but I thought it was just stress from being beaten once again by the Rescue Rangers."
    "Where are your companions?"
    "Probably out in a stakeout."
    "For what purpose?"
    "Take a guess."
    "Have you called the police?"
    "Yes, they thought I was a prank caller."
    "Thank you. I shall now examine the room."
    Max left the room still shaken by the event. I admired Chip for his questions to Max. I'm sure that it would be done different by the famous detetive, but now that was over, it was time to gather evidence. "Look at this Monterey."
    I went over and to my surprise, I saw scratched blood spelling this:

    Verraten

    "There is some strangeness to this Monterey. I must find out more to this case."

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  13. #7
    CnDO Regular ModernTimes's Avatar
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    Mystery of the Canned Cat Food
    I Read that as Mystery of the Canned Cat Wood. That would’ve been far more interesting. As it stands, I hope botulism kills them all.


    By W0nderboy
    This is where any0ne l00king f0r a g00d st0ry w0uld’ve m0ved 0n.

    Chapter 1
    Based on the report from the files of Monterey Jack
    Diary entries clearly count as reports.

    For the many years I've been with the Rescue Rangers, I've seen many things in my time, but when you seen a mere chipmunk solve a unsolvable crime, then you can claim you've seen everything.
    For many years I’ve seen bad writing and terrible grammar in my time, but when you see the mere horrors posted on fanfiction.net, then you can pretend you’ve seen everything.

    It started one hot day in July. Dale was at a comic book festival. And Gadget and Zipper were visit her relitives. There were no new cases becuase of the heat, so Chip settle down with a book. His was a book about deduction. Chip was wild about stuff like that, trying to imatated his hero. I preferred my own, "Cheeses of the World." I was about to get to chedders when I cry outside interupted both of us. Imagine our surprise to see Max outside of our house. He was shaking, more than usual. Chip saw it too. "I...I need your help."
    W0nderboy’s descriptive writing and stunning prose place him among the all-time greats. His unique spelling and complex sentence structure rewrite the rules as only a master wordsmith can.

    "Get out of here you crooked cat", I said, "Tell Fat Cat we're not interested.
    "But he's dead."
    Mystery wood strikes cat!

    Chapter 2
    Strange Scratches
    Old school: paying by word. New school: paying by chapter.

    Fat Cat's body was found in his headquarters where they left it. He was leaning over in a chair. His face was twisted into a face of horror. The knife which was the killer, was plunged in his stomach. There was alot of blood all over the place.
    The knife was the killer. The knife was the killer. The knife was the killer!

    Chip turned Max. When did you find him like this?"
    "Around six."
    "Where were you last night."
    "Sleeping off a stomachache."
    "What was it from?"
    "A jar of peanut butter that was recently tossed out."
    Eating from the garbage is a legitimate character flaw which helps create the dynamic—yet quirky—personality all excellent authors strive for.

    "Did you hear anything at all?"
    "I heared him groaning, but I thought it was just stress from being beaten once again by the Rescue Rangers."
    "Where are your companions?"
    "Probably out in a stakeout."
    "For what purpose?"
    "Take a guess."
    "Have you called the police?"
    "Yes, they thought I was a prank caller."
    "Thank you. I shall now examine the room."
    I shall now vomit.

    Max left the room still shaken by the event. I admired Chip for his questions to Max. I'm sure that it would be done different by the famous detetive, but now that was over, it was time to gather evidence. "Look at this Monterey."
    I went over and to my surprise, I saw scratched blood spelling this:

    Verraten

    "There is some strangeness to this Monterey. I must find out more to this case."
    The mystery wood is out there somewhere, Chip or whoever it is that is speaking. It’s out there and I must find it. I must see it. I must feel it.

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    http://www.commuterbarnacle.com/gonterman/RANGERS.TXT

    Gadget was crying.

    "Gadget whats wrong?" Jonathan asked and rubed her shoulder. She
    responed and held him in a tight imbrace. "He's was right it
    all makes sence... I.. I am different.. Oh daddy why?..
    Why did you have to die.. Why weren't you there to tell me.."

    Jonathan holds her for a long time. His shoulder feels water logged.
    Gadget sniffs and sits down. "I'm sorry for that out burst there
    I'm usally not that emotional."

    Mr Age's looks at Gadget. "There is only one way to know for sure
    Gadget, if the formula is in your blood." He walks up to her.

    Gadget streachs out her arm. A sample of her blood is taken.

    A solution was added to the sample in a vial.

    "Now then, If the NIMH formula is in your blood, Ms. Hackwrench,
    this blood sample will turn blue."

    He capped the vial.

    He shook.

    The blood turned blue.

    Gadget looked at it in awe.

    "Gadget, you're one of *us*. This is great."

    "Then its all true... I'm smart because of some exparment.."

    "Not totally Gadget the formula only enhances what you all ready
    are. You where born an inventor and that is what you are, even if
    NIMH did give you a little help." JB says trying to dry her tears.

    "Child, in you and in Jonathan our legacy continues to the next
    generation. I am honored as you should be to have you be among us.
    Feel free to visit us over at Thorn Valley sometime. There is much
    we can teach you, Gadget."

    After a while of quiet between the two, Jonathan desides to cheer
    up Gadget. He pulls a red marble out of a pocket and makes it
    disappear and reappear several times over as Gadget watches
    intently.

    "Golly, You're a magician too?"

    "Why, yes, Gadget," Ages said between sips of coffee. "JB here was
    raised by his uncle Copper, a very famous illusionist in our parts.
    He taught Jonathan everything he knows."

    Finding an empty bucket, Jonathan turned one marble into three and
    let them fall into it. He then made three more appear and let those
    fall in too. He did that over and over a few times.

    "He can keep doing that until this oak's filled back up," Ages
    chuckled.

    "There's gotta be something under that sleeve," Gadget says.

    "Oh really," Jonathan smirked as he held up that arm and pulled the
    sleeve up. There wasn't even an arm there; only his gloved hand
    floating in mid-air, giving a giggling Gadget the "I got your nose"
    routine.

    "Here, JB." Ages reached into his bags. "I brought your box." He
    brought out that looked like a cigar box covered in dark blue velvet
    decorated with stars. "This'll keep you two occupied for hours."

    Gadget took a look inside. Nothing.

    But Jonathan let a spark from his fingertips fall into the box,
    catching it on fire. He quickly closed the box and shook it.

    CHINKA-CHINKA-CHINKA!!

    The box is now fulled with a mouse-size kiddie magic set. His toys,
    he called it once.

    "Wow!"

    Ages chuckled as he stepped outside for some fresh air, wondering how
    the others are doing

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  17. #9
    Claricephile extra amorous CD's Avatar
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    Wescott, Jermey Manniax and Chax Bendict Are own By Carl Edward III
    Alex II Own by Me
    CD: Shiiih-jiiiit. You mean we're getting two generous servings of Mary Sue godawful fanfiction in one? I don't think I can do this.

    Sonic the Hedgehog and Freedom Fighters own by DIC, 4Kids, Archie and Sega
    Rescue Rangers Own By Disney
    CD: Oh right. You weren't content to drag the Rescue Rangers' name through the muck. You had to make Sonic's legacy just a little bit worse through it to.
    Chip: At least he gives proper credit.
    Dale: Wait, is this "-the Animated Series" or the "Adventures of-"? Because DIC made both ones.
    CD: And trust me, it wasn't the only video game animated adaption that DIC blew.

    Here the Story Right now the Beging
    CD: In AD 20** story was beging.
    Dale: What happen?
    Chip: Somebody set us up the bomb. This fanfic that is.

    Cut to New York City 2008, RR HQ
    Chip: Oh wow. A coherent sentence!
    CD: Ah, take it away!
    Dale: At that length, I could make a coherent sentence to.

    Chip: Hay guys
    Chip [Tommy Wiseau]: Oh hai Dale. How is your sex life?
    Dale: Should I come forward and admit I'm having an affair with Gadget now, or do you want to work in-
    Chip [strangling Dale]: Whatthehellareyoutalkingabout"anaffairwithGadget"?I'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyou!

    a Villian Brake into a Ice Factory
    Chip: Well I'm sure glad he wasn't speeding into an ice factory.
    Dale: Is that the factory where mediocre white rappers are made? Because that villain had better not mess with my Vanilla Ice.
    CD: Maybe it's Schwartzenegger reprising his Mr. Freeze role! I have to get out my pun card, where are they!?

    Gadget: Golly What they want there
    Dale: They want The Ice.
    CD [reading from a card in Schwartzenegger-speak]: They're looking to chill.

    Dale: A Big Ice Party
    Dale: Mine was better.
    CD [Schwartzenegger]: Cool party!

    Chip Bonk Dale on the head "NO you silly something eles"
    Chip: But what kind of eles. What kind indeed...

    Alex II: We better check it out

    Chip: You Right Alex II Let go
    Chip: I am telling Alex to let go? Let of what, the past? And am I saying he is right as in not left?
    Dale: You know, when you do figure out the words this dialogue isn't exactly rivetting.

    All: RESCUE RANGERS AWAY

    *Cut to the Ice Factory in NY City*
    CD: Is someone going to bust out some funky lyrics? Because I have a feeling even rap music is more interesting than to keep reading.
    Dale: Go ninja, go ninja go. Go ninja, go ninja go!
    Chip: Let's green eggs and ham it!
    Monty: There is something you should know so I'm gonna tell you so. Don't sweat it, forget it, enjoy the show! Party time, party time!
    CD: On second thought, go back to the fanfic!

    Chip: It quite too Quite
    Chip: If you're going to use such a clichéd line, at least spell it right!
    Dale: Quiet, my dear chap.

    Dale: it could be a trap
    Chip: If any of you make an Admiral Akhbar joke, you're on your own.

    Flash: Why you think of that?
    CD: Flash who?
    Chip: Gordon?
    Dale: The Flash?
    Monty: Zipper?

    THen he Cage came on
    Shao Khan: Danny Cage.
    Dale: Johny less-talented brother.
    CD: At this point I'd gladly be punched in the nuts if it will numb the pain of this fic.

    them As the Villians Came out and Laughting
    CD: They must be using the same pun card as me. What did they say? [holds out a few cards to the others]
    Chip: [Schwartzenegger] Chill out, dickwad.
    Dale: [Schwartzenegger] What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age!
    Monty: [Schwartzenegger] Stay cool, bird boy.

    Fat Cat: HAAHAHHA You Fell into our trap
    Chip: [Fat Cat] I can't believe it. I mean, a hanging cage! That's like the oldest trap in the book. And you just walked right in saying how this is probably a trap? What the hell is wrong with you rodents?

    Chip: Fat Cat, Capone, Nimibul and Jermey Manniax
    Chip: I am just going to say all your names so the readers know you are all here.
    Dale: Why would 'reader' be plural?

    Wescot: OK Manniax WHAT YOU WANT
    Dale [Manniax]: All your base are belong to us.
    CD: No, no, Dale. That joke's old.
    Chip: Who in his right mind would go through life with the surname Manniax and name their children that?

    Fat Cat: OH Well We want one person allways Foling our Plans Alexander Armington II and As you Rescue Rangers our Servent to take over the world
    CD: Oh yeah, because Alex is such a badass, you forget it was the Rescue Rangers who twarted you every time. But no, you're putting them on clean-up duty. Alex is the real threat.
    Dale: [Wescot] Hey wait a moment Manniax! Isn't it me who's always foiling you? Why the hell do you care about this scrawny basement dweller all of a sudden? Everyone knows I made this team great, not him!

    Alex II: HA I Will Stop you Fat Cat
    Chip: [Alex] As soon as I figure out how to get through these wide bars I am going to stop you!

    Fat Cat: Well That what you think Now Nimibul
    CD: Who is Nimibul? Is that another villain invented by hack fanfic writers? And why is Fat Cat taunting Nimibul by saying that's what he thinks?

    Nimibul Fire his Freezee Ray at Alex II as he got Frozen Stift
    Chip: So Nimibul fires a ray that creates Israeli soft drinks and it turns Alex into a frozen Dutch marker pen?
    Dale: Yikes, Nimibul might want to reverse the polarity on the flux capacitor. The results are not as advertized.

    Lawahine: ALEX II!
    Chip: Okay, why would you call out a name and include "the Second" in case of distress?
    CD: WILMAAAAAA PEBLE/SLAGHOOPLE-FLINTSTONE!
    Monty: OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY McCORMICK!
    Dale: DAVIIIIIID "SOOOLLIIIIID SNAAAAAAAAAAAAKE" EMMERICH!
    Tammy: Wait, Snake and Otakon...they are...? But Meryl-! Oh my, I think I have to go now.

    Chip: WHAT You do to him
    Dale [Nimibul]: Well I tried turning him into a soft drink, but he came out as a marker pen. It's not the first time this happened.

    Jemery Manniax: Like Fat Cat Say We want him out of our way so We Froze him now he will be in the water hehehee
    CD [Schwartzenegger]: We are putting him on ice!
    Gadget: But if you put a frozen person in water, that does not guarantee he stays frozen! The water needs to be below 0 degrees celsius to maintain the frozen state. And if you put him in the water that means the water is still liquid and therefore above 0 degrees! Argh, this plan is stupid!
    CD: That's why they put him ON ice.

    Fat Cat: As all of you become our Servents
    Chip: So Fat Cat is going to make us into his peasants who are bound to his land? Or we become his lackeys tasked with cleaning the air ducts?
    CD: So what's to stop you from crossing your fingers behind your back, pretend to be his servants, then betray him the moment he turns his back?

    Gadget: We won't Served You!
    Dale: You are going to get served.
    CD: And back to the rap motif it is.

    Fat Cat: Like you have a choice NOW Nimibul
    Chip [Nimibul]: Do I go with chocolate or strawberry?
    Dale: How about you pick Vanilla?

    Nimibul Fire a Dark Lquid into the Rescue Rangers as there eyes turn Red then they smile evil too
    Dale: Oh snap. A liquid that turn you to evil!
    Monty [Twin-clone of Hitler]: Of course! Don't you know anything about science!?
    CD: Ah yes, bloodshot eyes = evil. The Luddites knew this when they first saw what colour photography does to corrupt those its captures on its soul imprinting film roll.

    Rescue Rangers; We will Served you Fat Cat
    CD [the Rangers]: You got F'ed in the A!

    Fat Cat: HAHHAHAHAHAHHA I WON Alex II IS OUT OF MY WAY, Rescue Rangers is OURS NEW YORK CITY IS OURS TOOO HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
    CD: [diabolical extensions of sylables]
    Chip: [diabolical lower casing of names]
    Dale: [diabolical punctuation]

    Yeah, I know. I'm late to the party. But damn it, this needed a new breathing orifice.
    Last edited by CD; 12-24-2011 at 06:10 AM.


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  19. #10
    Super Moderator Bryce's Avatar
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    Gadget was crying.

    "Gadget whats wrong?" Jonathan asked and rubed her shoulder.
    Jonathan: Is your old Roller Derby injury acting up again?

    She responed and held him in a tight imbrace.
    "Imbrace" is an archaic legal term. Any English word that can be pronounced is an actual English word, at least in some field and at some point in history.

    "He's was right it all makes sence...
    Referring, of course, to the river Sence, in England...

    I.. I am different..
    Gadget: I'm a pink bipedal mouse with blue eyes and no visible fur!

    Oh daddy why?..
    Why did you have to die.. Why weren't you there to tell me.."
    Geegaw: Gadget... the 1970s were an... interesting time, when a lot of people were... experimenting... and well, your mother is Farrah Fawcett.

    Jonathan holds her for a long time. His shoulder feels water logged.

    Gadget sniffs and sits down. "I'm sorry for that out burst there I'm usally not that emotional."
    Gadget: Normally, I'm a cold, distant and emotionless robot who isn't in any way hung up on my father's death, right?

    Mr Age's looks at Gadget.
    Mr. Age is looks at Gadget? Like, this guy is the anthropomorphic personification of the Male Gaze on Gadget? Creepy.

    "There is only one way to know for sure
    Gadget, if the formula is in your blood." He walks up to her.
    Mr. Age: I vant to sahck yor blood!

    Gadget streachs out her arm. A sample of her blood is taken.

    A solution was added to the sample in a vial.

    "Now then, If the NIMH formula is in your blood, Ms. Hackwrench,
    this blood sample will turn blue."
    According the the Journal of Improbable Clinical Chemistry, this is very implausible for reasons that are not at all funny to explain.

    He capped the vial.

    He shook.

    The blood turned blue.
    Mr. Ages: Gadget... this proves it... you are the missing princess Anastasia!

    Gadget looked at it in awe.

    "Gadget, you're one of *us*. This is great."
    Gadget: So I'm the anthropomorphic personification of something too?

    "Then its all true... I'm smart because of some exparment.."
    Gadget: I'm smart, exsept wear speling is conserned. Like all engineers.

    "Not totally Gadget the formula only enhances what you all ready
    are.
    Mr. Ages: Without the formula, you'd only be an A cup.

    You where born an inventor and that is what you are, even if
    NIMH did give you a little help."
    Jonathan: It's like getting a so-so SAT score, but getting into Harvard anyway
    because your uncle is a professor. Totally not cheating.

    JB says trying to dry her tears.

    "Child, in you and in Jonathan our legacy continues to the next
    generation.
    Mr. Ages: So... when am I going to be a grandfather? I'm not getting any younger.

    I am honored as you should be to have you be among us.
    So... when arrogance, polite formality, and bad grammar collide, that
    sentence happens.

    Feel free to visit us over at Thorn Valley sometime. There is much
    we can teach you, Gadget."
    Mr. Ages: We can teach you the ways of the Dark Side of the Force... the path
    to true power. Muahahaha!

    After a while of quiet between the two, Jonathan desides to cheer
    up Gadget.
    The music swells... O Fortuna, velut luna, statu variabilis...
    Gadget: DO NOT SAY THOSE WORDS!




    He pulls a red marble out of a pocket and makes it
    disappear and reappear several times over as Gadget watches
    intently.
    Gadget: Mmm. Maybe he can find a quarter in my ear, too.

    "Golly, You're a magician too?"
    Mr. Ages: Hey, that's nothing, I can make that whole purple jumpsuit disappear! Heh-heh-heh.

    Jonathan: Hey!

    Mr. Ages: What, we already established that I'm the anthropomorphic
    personification of Looks At Gadget.

    Jonathan: Fair enough.

    "Why, yes, Gadget," Ages said between sips of coffee. "JB here was
    raised by his uncle Copper, a very famous illusionist in our parts.
    He taught Jonathan everything he knows."

    Finding an empty bucket, Jonathan turned one marble into three
    Gadget: You've broken the law of conservation of mass! To the gallows with this sorcerer!

    and
    let them fall into it. He then made three more appear and let those
    fall in too. He did that over and over a few times.

    "He can keep doing that until this oak's filled back up," Ages
    chuckled.

    "There's gotta be something under that sleeve," Gadget says.

    "Oh really," Jonathan smirked as he held up that arm and pulled the
    sleeve up. There wasn't even an arm there; only his gloved hand
    floating in mid-air,

    giving a giggling Gadget the "I got your nose"
    routine.
    Because Gadget is always amused by cliche routines that are rarely even amusing to three-year-olds.

    "Here, JB." Ages reached into his bags. "I brought your box." He
    brought out that looked like a cigar box covered in dark blue velvet
    decorated with stars. "This'll keep you two occupied for hours."
    Mr. Ages: I'll let you have it... if I can watch. Heh-heh-heh.

    Gadget took a look inside. Nothing.

    But Jonathan let a spark from his fingertips fall into the box,
    catching it on fire.
    Mr. Ages: See, I told you we could teach you about the Dark Side. Join us,
    and we'll teach you how to choke people with your mind, and give you a
    lightsaber!

    He quickly closed the box and shook it.

    CHINKA-CHINKA-CHINKA!!

    The box is now fulled with a mouse-size kiddie magic set. His toys,
    he called it once.
    Hmm. It catches on fire as part of its normal operation and it's for kids.
    Must be from the 1950s, the years of the Great Child Surplus.

    "Wow!"

    Ages chuckled as he stepped outside for some fresh air,
    Those burning white phosphorus fumes were getting to his tired old lungs.

    wondering how
    the others are doing
    (Okay, so... that's that one.)

    A promising story in which Dale becomes a woman, and the others must find a cure. On the long side, but comparatively coherent. I suggest picking out an excerpt. (Edit: Warning, while looking for excerpts, I found that the story gets somewhat inappropriate for this forum after the beginning. The first five chapters or so are "safe.")
    Last edited by Bryce; 12-24-2011 at 09:38 AM. Reason: Bilateral Ironectomy; Content warning.

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  21. #11
    Super Moderator Bryce's Avatar
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    From http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7263943/3/Ms_Dale

    Warning: I suspect this story gets somewhat inappropriate for the forum after the first five chapters or so, but I haven't read the whole thing. Again, use your best judgment in selecting excerpts.


    "Crikey, Dale," Monterrey gasped. "Don't remember anything last night?"

    Dale stopped eating, and started to think. There wasn't any headache or nausea this time there was no need to stop. "I remember..." Dale started. "remember Abe, The Warehouse, Fat Cat, The Cage..."

    "Uh, what did happen up there," Gadget asked, taking a slice for herself.

    "Oh, well," Dale said, trying recall. "It's still kinda a fuzzy, so I'll need a minute. Chip and Monty told me everything else but you're the only one who knows what happened."

    "It's okay, Dale," Gadget smiled. "I'm just curious."

    "Okay," Dale started. "Well, it was just after I had opened the cages. Nimnul got upset and threw me in the cage. I spent the first few minutes trying to calm down the mice in there. When I told them I was with the Rescue Rangers, I met Abe's Parents. Then I called Zipper to get Monterrey and waited for a few. Th-that's pretty much it."

    "Anything else," Dale, Gadget asked, gently. Dale paused, for a bit before answering.

    "No- wait. Yes," Dale started slowly. "It was before Chip and Monterrey got up there. Nimnul pointed this weird remote at the cage and his machine grabbed me. It lifted me up and took me out the cage. And then... And then..."

    Dale suddenly paused, turning pale, before putting the utensils down and pushing away from the table to get up.

    "E- excuse me," Dale said, weakly. "I- I s-suddenly need to go to the b-b-bathroom."

    The Rangers just sat there while the distraught chipmunk walked over to the bathroom, and shut the door. Gadget got up, herself and walked over to the closed bathroom door. She knew Dale was in for a shock and she'd be the only one who'd be able to help. She was proven right when Dale finally looked in the mirror. The face looking back was obviously Dale, but with big green feminine eyes, a smaller red nose and closer set, and smaller, buckteeth. Suddenly Dale patted the chest area, the hips and rear, and finally between the legs, each area served to confirm the idea, more so than the last. Then the realization finally hit, Dale jumped back screaming, loosing balance in the processes. The next thing Dale knew, Gadget was there to catch the chipmunk. Crying, scared and confused, Dale looked up at Gadget, and continued to sob, and only managed out a single sentence.

    "I-I'm a girl!"

    --

    Dale sat there, on the bathroom floor, clinging to Gadget for dear life. It was real, the pain, the fear, the cold, empty darkness, she fell into- it was all real. And there she was, on the floor in Gadget's arms, crying her eyes out. Through her sobbing, Dale could feel the warm gentle sensation of a hand stroking her back. A soft voice whispered in her ear.

    "Hush. Shh", it cooed. "It's okay. It's going to be okay."

    Dale looked up at Gadget, and shook her head.

    "No. No," she protested, her voice still quivering. "It all happened. It was real- all of it. I- I was so scared, Gadget I felt like I was gonna... Gonna... D-d-duh..." She suddenly resumed sobbing into Gadget's arms and chest. Gadget finally saw how much this had shaken her. She'd act the same If the same happened to her.


    Dale started to accept her new walk in life- helping Gadget with the laundry, and learning to cook without breaking dishes (that one took a while to get down), getting more and more routine with her morning and night rituals of hair care, even experimenting with new hairstyles. Everyone, especially Chip, noticed even as a girl, Dale's smile looked just like when she was a male, possibly even better. It was a few weeks after that when Dale started cooking dinner every Friday. She never knew how much fun cooking could be once she got the hang of it. It almost made her feel like one of those mad scientists in her scary movies, or comic books.

    Highlights include female!Dale going into heat. Yeah.

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    Administrator Ducky's Avatar
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    Not contributing, but this thread is highly amusing. Thank you, Bryce.

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  25. #13
    Claricephile extra amorous CD's Avatar
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    I actually like this story for some of its more sensitive moments. But seeing as how someone will need to cook this turkey...

    "Crikey, Dale," Monterrey gasped. "Don't remember anything last night?"
    Dale: Only several bottles of scotch, brandy, and a hunk of Edammer. But what are we doing in your hammock?

    Dale stopped eating, and started to think. There wasn't any headache or nausea this time there was no need to stop. "I remember..." Dale started. "remember Abe, The Warehouse, Fat Cat, The Cage..."
    Dale: I remember a Freezee ray and Alex becoming a marker pen.
    Chip: But who is Abe, and what has he got to do with it?


    "Uh, what did happen up there," Gadget asked, taking a slice for herself.

    "Oh, well," Dale said, trying recall. "It's still kinda a fuzzy, so I'll need a minute. Chip and Monty told me everything else but you're the only one who knows what happened."
    Gadget: I was asking you.
    Dale: No you.
    Gadget: No u

    "It's okay, Dale," Gadget smiled. "I'm just curious."
    CD: That's what she said.
    Gadget: Golly yes, I am.

    "Okay," Dale started. "Well, it was just after I had opened the cages. Nimnul got upset and threw me in the cage. I spent the first few minutes trying to calm down the mice in there. When I told them I was with the Rescue Rangers, I met Abe's Parents. Then I called Zipper to get Monterrey and waited for a few. Th-that's pretty much it."
    Chip [cynical]: A-hah, sure. And...?

    "Anything else," Dale, Gadget asked, gently. Dale paused, for a bit before answering.
    Dale: Well, you know how I both feel very attracted to you and often do completely inappropriate things at the worst time?
    Gadget: Okay, now I'm really curious.
    [Dale whispers his answer into Gadget's ear, whose eyes widen and she slaps Dale across the face.]
    Dale: Ow, I was only riffing this story!
    Gadget: Sure you did, buster.

    "No- wait. Yes," Dale started slowly. "It was before Chip and Monterrey got up there. Nimnul pointed this weird remote at the cage and his machine grabbed me. It lifted me up and took me out the cage. And then... And then..."

    Dale suddenly paused, turning pale, before putting the utensils down and pushing away from the table to get up.
    Chip: Damnit Monty! You know Dale's stomach does not agree with kidney beans. You're on bathroom cleaning duty tonight.

    "E- excuse me," Dale said, weakly. "I- I s-suddenly need to go to the b-b-bathroom."

    The Rangers just sat there while the distraught chipmunk walked over to the bathroom, and shut the door. Gadget got up, herself and walked over to the closed bathroom door. She knew Dale was in for a shock and she'd be the only one who'd be able to help. She was proven right when Dale finally looked in the mirror.
    CD: In the mirror world, the Red Badger was just towelling off. Boy was his singing voice a terror in the eardrums.

    The face looking back was obviously Dale, but with big green feminine eyes, a smaller red nose and closer set, and smaller, buckteeth. Suddenly Dale patted the chest area, the hips and rear, and finally between the legs, each area served to confirm the idea, more so than the last.
    Chip: I really was playing a mean prank saying that estrogen pills would help Dale buff up.

    Then the realization finally hit, Dale jumped back screaming, loosing balance in the processes. The next thing Dale knew, Gadget was there to catch the chipmunk. Crying, scared and confused, Dale looked up at Gadget, and continued to sob, and only managed out a single sentence.

    "I-I'm a girl!"
    Chip: Dale's a boy?
    Dale: Hey, don't call me a boy!

    --

    Dale sat there, on the bathroom floor, clinging to Gadget for dear life. It was real, the pain, the fear, the cold, empty darkness, she fell into- it was all real. And there she was, on the floor in Gadget's arms, crying her eyes out. Through her sobbing, Dale could feel the warm gentle sensation of a hand stroking her back.
    Chip: Bieber Fever's symptons are a hell to go through.

    A soft voice whispered in her ear.
    Gadget: I look at your picture at night as I feel my entire body.
    Dale: Wha-? But- that's gross!
    Gadget: Payback's a b****, isn't it?
    CD: Boy, she really is frightening when angered...

    "Hush. Shh", it cooed. "It's okay. It's going to be okay."
    Gadget: We all miss Micheal. His music lives on.

    Dale looked up at Gadget, and shook her head.
    Dale: The King of Pop isn't really dead! He's alive and he's out there, I know it! He couldn't have really OD'ed so shortly before his last tour.

    "No. No," she protested, her voice still quivering. "It all happened. It was real- all of it. I- I was so scared, Gadget I felt like I was gonna... Gonna... D-d-duh..." She suddenly resumed sobbing into Gadget's arms and chest. Gadget finally saw how much this had shaken her. She'd act the same If the same happened to her.
    CD: Losing one's vocabulary and intellect to the ravages of blondeness. It was a fate she dreaded would happen to her someday.
    Gadget: Hey that's just demeaning! I mean yeah, I do think about it... fear the implications of my hair colour on my technical ability and intelligence...but you have no right to bring this up in my presence!

    Dale started to accept her new walk in life- helping Gadget with the laundry, and learning to cook without breaking dishes
    CD: Staying in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant really does have the benefit of not having to think about matters and carry the burden of having to make difficult decisions.
    Chip: You know, seeing how much trouble Dale has with that now, maybe a gender swap wouldn't be such a bad idea...
    Dale: Squick! You made me play housewife plenty of times already as a kid!

    (that one took a while to get down), getting more and more routine with her morning and night rituals of hair care, even experimenting with new hairstyles.
    CD: Bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting lingery.

    Everyone, especially Chip, noticed even as a girl, Dale's smile looked just like when she was a male, possibly even better. It was a few weeks after that when Dale started cooking dinner every Friday. She never knew how much fun cooking could be once she got the hang of it.
    Monty: I object to this female chauvinism that insinuates only ladies can enjoy cooking!

    It almost made her feel like one of those mad scientists in her scary movies, or comic books.
    CD: Which is good because we need more female versions of those. Rubber gloves, leather suits and all kinds of wicked inventions and potion? Get me some!

    Good day and I was expecting a rather fangirl type of Dale, but then realized how pathetic men who obsess over cartoons and comics sound, and how there's a reason they never atract a girlfriend.


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  27. #14
    Claricephile extra amorous CD's Avatar
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    These are some of the highlights from "The Dark Saviour Saga".

    Now, my dear, we can begin the first of my experiments," Leviathan spoke.

    "I feel so priveleged..." Gadget began to remark sarcastically.

    "At least you'll live--be thankful for that," Leviathan retorted quickly. The second Gadget heard that, her spirit sank deeper than ever before. She knew something was going to happen to her, and it was going to hurt. "Are you ready?" All the captive could do was nod her head. A moment after she did, she heard something behind her.

    "What the..." Gadget turned around. She was met with a slap to the face that sent her flying clear across the room. The female mouse looked up to see three metallic mice heading straight for her.

    "Robots after my own design. I had some...help...building them, but they're all mine now," Leviathan stated. Gadget wasn't paying attention to him. She was too busy absorbing the blows of the robots. After taking about fifteen of them, Don moved toward Leviathan.

    "Leviathan, you've got to stop them! They'll kill her!" He reached for the control panel. A roundhouse kick from the grey mouse convinced him otherwise.

    "As you wish, Don," Leviathan sighed. He pulled a lever on the control panel, and almost immediately, the robots shut down. Gadget--who had been held by one robot and punched by the other two--slumped to the floor, beaten and weak. "Take her to her cell. We begin the next experiment in one hour." Leviathan then walked out of the room. Don ran down to Gadget, lifted her up, and examined her. She was barely conscious, bruised all over, and her nose was bleeding. Gently Don put Gadget's arm over his shoulder and carried her back to her cell.

    "Forgive me, Miss Gadget," Don pleaded as he laid Gadget down in her cell. He cleaned her face of the blood, then stopped her nose from bleeding any more. "Please forgive me..." Don turned to leave, looked over his shoulder, then left, closing and locking the door behind him.

    'I...forgive you...Don...' Gadget thought. She then fell unconscious.
    Gadget awoke to find that she had been strapped to a medevial-type rack machine of some sort. She looked directly in front of her--and found Leviathan and Don standing there. Don looked worried, and Leviathan looked as he had before--black cloak, gloves, and no emotion on his face.

    "Well, well, you're awake. It's about time. You didn't throw us off schedule that much, but I'll have to go quicker now," Leviathan muttered to Gadget. He looked at his hand. Gadget looked at it and saw that it was empty. Then Leviathan flicked his arm, and a long black staff dropped out of the right sleeve of his cloak. "Now we begin the next test." He pressed a button on the end of the staff, and the other end started to spark. Leviathan then held the staff towards Gadget.

    "I can't watch..." Don simply covered his eyes. He could still hear Gadget's screams of pain as she was shocked with electricity over and over by Leviathan. 'Why did Leviathan decide to do this?' Don thought to himself. After about two minutes, Gadget's cries for help and screams of pain stopped. Don uncovered his eyes to find Leviathan leaving the room, staff in tow.

    "Hmph...Most of the mice I've used this on last at least three and a half minutes--four tops. Don, the quickness of this test has given us at least fifteen extra minutes to our schedule. In an hour and a quarter, we resume testing. Return her to her cell." Leviathan exited the room. Don looked over at Gadget. She was very weak, and her coveralls were singed and ripped in various places all over her body. Quietly, Don unhooked Gadget from the "rack," carried her to her cell, laid her limp body down, then left her alone.

    'This is insane...I've got to stop Leviathan before he kills her!' Don thought. 'Why is he doing this, anyway?' He quickly moved the "rack" into another room, then exited the testing area the same way Leviathan had.
    When Gadget awoke, she was again attached to the "rack." She did not see Don anywhere, nor did she see Leviathan. She wondered where her captors were, then saw Leviathan and Don enter the room simultaneously.

    "Good, she's ready. Don, leave the room." Leviathan had never had Don leave during a test before, and Gadget wondered what was happening. Don left the room, and Leviathan turned to Gadget.

    "Wha...what are you gonna do to me now?" Gadget asked, very nervous and frightened.

    "I'm simply going to finish the tests now. Are you ready?" Gadget simply nodded and waited. Leviathan walked to the back of the machine, then turned a wheel. Gadget felt a slight stretching in her arms and legs. "The good old fashioned rack."

    "Ohno." Gadget realized what he meant, and every time he turned the wheel, her limbs stretched out further and further. After ten turns, she screamed in pain. Leviathan turned the wheel five more times, each time prompting a scream of pain and terror higher in pitch than the previous one from the inventor. After the fifth turn, he turned the wheel back the other way, thus returning Gadget's limbs to their normal position. 'Thank goodness it's over,' Gadget thought. Unfortunately, when she opened her eyes and looked up, she saw Leviathan standing there, motionless. 'What now?'

    "I've noticed something about you, Gadget," he started. "You are a very beautiful woman." Gadget would have been flattered--if Leviathan had not drawn closer to Gadget, then gave her a very passionate kiss. She tried to stop him, but couldn't. Then he moved away. "I'll let you rest, then in an hour, I'll let you go." Leviathan left the room as Gadget passed out from pain and the exhaustion of trying to resist it.


    Read my evil European political blog
    : http://cdrrpb.blogspot.com/ Last updated: 4 December 2007

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  29. #15
    CnDO Regular ModernTimes's Avatar
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    Now, my dear, we can begin the first of my experiments," Leviathan spoke.
    Who names their character Leviathan? Why would you do that? Why am I not surprised?

    "I feel so priveleged..." Gadget began to remark sarcastically.

    "At least you'll live--be thankful for that," Leviathan retorted quickly.
    He’s contractually obligated to torture and rape her for the next 100 pages before her execution, the coup de grace.

    The second Gadget heard that, her spirit sank deeper than ever before.
    Sorry kid, but you knew the risk when you agreed to be the lone female lead character. Half of this is your fault.

    She knew something was going to happen to her, and it was going to hurt.
    Just so you know, I’m not sorry. And this is 100% your fault.

    "Are you ready?" All the captive could do was nod her head. A moment after she did, she heard something behind her.
    Chip, Dale, Monty and the rest have come to rescue her!

    "What the..." Gadget turned around. She was met with a slap to the face that sent her flying clear across the room.
    Or not. My mistake.

    The female mouse looked up to see three metallic mice heading straight for her.
    Now you’re really going to get it. But hey, look on the bright side: only 99¾ more pages of this to go!

    "Robots after my own design. I had some...help...building them, but they're all mine now," Leviathan stated.
    You don’t **** with Leviathan’s robots. THEY’RE ALL HIS DAMMIT!

    Gadget wasn't paying attention to him. She was too busy absorbing the blows of the robots. After taking about fifteen of them, Don moved toward Leviathan.

    "Leviathan, you've got to stop them! They'll kill her!" He reached for the control panel. A roundhouse kick from the grey mouse convinced him otherwise.
    Followed by 7 spin kicks and a DDT.

    "As you wish, Don," Leviathan sighed. He pulled a lever on the control panel, and almost immediately, the robots shut down. Gadget--who had been held by one robot and punched by the other two--slumped to the floor, beaten and weak.
    The best, most evil villains always know precisely how to beat their prisoners to the point of near-death. Perhaps they all purchase a detector that beeps when someone’s life begins to flash before their eyes.

    "Take her to her cell. We begin the next experiment in one hour."
    And they know just how much rest is needed before the torturing can resume.

    Leviathan then walked out of the room. Don ran down to Gadget, lifted her up, and examined her. She was barely conscious, bruised all over, and her nose was bleeding. Gently Don put Gadget's arm over his shoulder and carried her back to her cell.
    Don is such a sympathetic character.

    "Forgive me, Miss Gadget," Don pleaded as he laid Gadget down in her cell. He cleaned her face of the blood, then stopped her nose from bleeding any more. "Please forgive me..." Don turned to leave, looked over his shoulder, then left, closing and locking the door behind him.

    'I...forgive you...Don...' Gadget thought. She then fell unconscious.
    What we have here is an extreme case of Stockholm Syndrome.

    Spoiler:
    What we really have here is bad writing 101.



    I don't plan to post additional candidates to mock because I didn't use all of CD's material.

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  31. #16
    Administrator Ducky's Avatar
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    I hope you all keep this going... I posted a link about it on the front page of the site (as well as on the Facebook fan page) because I find it so highly entertaining.

    Off-Topic:
    To clarify, when I said I wasn't going to contribute, it's not because I don't want to, but because I'm not nearly as witty and can't seem to find enough time to read bad fan fiction, let alone come up with commentary. You guys are much better at it.

  32. #17
    Super Moderator Bryce's Avatar
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    (Okay, since evidently no-one else is able and willing to rise to the challenge of that singularly disturbing example of fanfic... let's move on.)

    (Rod Serling Mode)
    There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is from an author as prolific as Chris-Chan and as talentless as... well, also Chris-Chan. It is the middle ground between total crud and almost passable, between garishly colored doodles and third-rate belly dancing fetish porn, and it comes from between the summit of one man’s self-important delusions of cartooning talent and the pit of his Gadget obsession. This is the wasteland of squandered imagination. It is an area which we call the... Tellyweb Zone.

    Tonight, we’re going to look into to a strange, twisted world; a world where Gadget is a wanted criminal and nothing is as it appears to be...

    (End Rod Serling Mode)

    Hi, all! I've never done one of these before, so this be my first Fan Fiction.
    Chip: Oh? I never would have guessed.

    Bare in mind,
    Gadget: Doesn’t he mean “bear in mind”?

    Monty: No, it’s “bare,” as in “bare midriff.”

    Gadget: That barely makes sense.

    it's suppose to be like a Disney cartoon Looney Tunes/Tex Avery style, slightly crossed over with other characters. it was inspired by the work of another artist on DeviantArt who did this Merrie Melodies fan fictions.
    Dale: Because if it’s not imagined by anyone else, it must be Tellyweb!

    Monty hits Gadget with a sock full of lead shot.
    Gadget: Ow! What was that for?! I’m still really sore from that last fic.

    Monty: The pun you made. I forgot to do that.

    Dale: You forgot to punish her?

    and why not have Gadget in her own solo cartoon??
    Chip: Because Disney isn’t run by Ray Jones?

    Monty hits Dale with the sock.

    Monty: Hah! Thought you got away with it, didn’t you?

    EDIT: I've broken down the story into more paragraphs for easy-reading, and added the cards i drew to go with it!

    okay, let's roll! By the way, the music i had in mind for the opening and closing credits would be the ones used from Mickey and the Seal.
    Gadget: Golly, that’s kinda obscure and specific.

    Chip: Yet he talks about it as if we all know exactly what he’s talking about.

    Gadget: I wonder what Simon Baron-Cohen would make of this situation.

    Chip: Huh?

    Dale: Mmm, meta.

    “Under Mouse Arrest”
    Monty socks the fanfic with his weapon.

    Monty hesitates a moment, and then attacks the fourth wall.

    Chip: Easy, Monty. Easy.

    Galactic Guardian Headquarters
    A Sign is placed nearby reading “THIS SPACE FOR FINAL FRONTIER!!”
    At his desk, Admiral DeGill was blowing his pipe, bubbles blown out one end. Atomic Betty enters the room.
    “Aw! Atomic Betty! Just the girl I wanted!” said DeGill.
    Chip: Ahem. In space, there are no age of consent laws.

    Dale: Actually, the space station got blown up, their headquarters is in Canada.

    Chip: What province?

    Dale: Saskatchewan.

    Chip: Ah, then the age of consent is 16 since 2008.

    Gadget: What was it before then?

    Chip: Age 14, from 1892 until 2008.

    Dale: You’re really well informed about this.

    Chip: And you watch children’s cartoons.

    Dale: Mmm, meta.

    Monty hits Dale with the sock.

    Monty: Making stupid overcomplicated jokes is now a socking offense.

    “I have a mission so important; no-one’s been able to accomplish it.”
    “What’s the problem, Admiral?” Betty asks.
    Dale: And have you heard of the wondrous Earth-drug, “Viag--”

    Monty hits Dale with the sock.

    Dale: Ow!

    DeGill opens a drawer, taking out a WANTED flyer, with the culprit’s face on it. “The criminal, who goes by the name of Gadget, has been wanted for years.
    Gadget: Wuh? Criminal? Wanted for YEARS?

    Monty: Turning vulnerable young boys into furries is a crime, you wicked temptress.

    She is said to be cute but EXTREMELY CRAZY!
    Gadget: I am not crazy!

    The other Rangers all look at Gadget skeptically.

    Just last week, she was seen painting the town red…
    …then yellow…,
    And finally orange with a hint of blue!”
    Gadget: But... blue and orange... they’re complementary colors!

    Chip: Sounds pretty crazy.

    After looking at the flyer, Betty salutes to DeGill. “I’m on it, Admiral!” she exits the office, and takes off in her spaceship with her crew.
    Chip: Leaving him sad, and alone. Like always.

    Dale: For the benefit of people with a life who are older than fifteen: Admiral DeGill is a giant talking fish.

    Chip: Yet, you know that there are shippers for them out there.

    Monty: Aye, it’s the law of the Internet.

    Minutes later, they detect Gadget being found in her hideout located on Earth.
    Monty: Awfully easy to find someone who was said to have been a fugitive for years.

    The ship lands in an open field nearby. A hatch opens up with Betty, Sparky and X-5 walking out. “Alright team! Keep a look out for this criminal! She could be anywhere!” she says.

    There is a moment of silence,
    Chip: As Sparky and X-5 mourned the loss of their Tellyweb-virginity.

    as she looks around her wandering where her team disappeared to, then discovering Sparky running off to a restaurant with a big plate of pancakes on top of the building, followed by X-5 trying to stop him.
    Chip: Well, that sentence was positively Charles_Roberts-esque.

    “Guess I’m going alone then!” she says, and she walks towards the criminal’s hideout.
    Dale: Couldn’t have a male wrecking up a belly dancing fetish sequence later.

    Monty: You’re reading ahead!

    Dale: I am not! This story is by Tellyweb!

    Monty: Oh. Sorry.

    She slowly opens the door, and tiptoes quietly inside, looking both ways. She starts to walk around the premises until she comes across a wide mirror, revealing her reflection. She notices her hairstyle’s out of place and starts to fix it. While she adjusts her hair, another figure, Gadget, appears next to her doing the same routine while saying “Hi!” Betty, distracted by her hair adjusting to not notice Gadget, replies with “Hello”.
    Chip: Because Gadget and Atomic Betty are very stereotypical females who totally conform to American gender roles.

    Gadget asks her “What are you up to?” “I’m here to capture this girl by the name of Gadget. Here’s the flyer!” Betty replies, while giving Gadget the flyer. Gadget takes a glance at the flyer. “Hmm….! Golly! Interesting character! Cute even!” she says.
    Gadget: This Gadget person sounds like a real narcissist.

    “She may be cute, but is said to be extremely crazy!” Betty says, as she finishes off by fluffing her hair. Gadget puts down the flyer, and walks off!

    The picture in the flyer jumps out, with an angry look on her face, walks towards Betty and smacks her in the face.
    Monty: Fight! Fight!

    Chip: Maybe pull each other’s clothes off!

    Dale: And stumble into a pool of olive oil!

    “Hey, stupid!! You Blind??? That’s HER!” she echoes, grabbing Betty by her suit, pointing to Gadget while fading away. Betty sees Gadget walking away, and then shakes her head. Betty shouts while charging towards Gadget, “Hold it right there! You’re under arrest!” but Gadget already shuts the door on her, causing Betty to crash into it and fall backside onto the floor.

    Betty knocks on the door, shouting “OPEN UP! Or I’ll shoot!”, as she points her wrist laser to her. A small door in the middle opens up, while Gadget walks to her face to face. “For shame!” Gadget says “Threaten a mouse with an ELEPHANT gun!” “An ELEPHANT gun??” Betty asks. Gadget replies “Yeah! So why not go shoot an elephant?” while exits and closes the small door.
    Dale: Huh?

    Gadget: I don’t get it. There’s *no* mention of Atomic Betty having an elephant gun on the Atomic Betty wiki.

    Dale: Weird...

    A large mammoth in brown clothing stands next to Betty, fists to his side, with an angry look. “Normally I wouldn’t personally threaten anyone, but IF YOU DO, I’LL GIVE YOU SUCH A PINCH!!” He thwacks Betty on the head, causing her to fall through the wooden floor. While the mammoth exits, birds and stars fly round her head while her eyes go round in a circle.
    Gadget: Oh, I get it now. I believe this is termed by experts in the field as “random-access humor.

    *Fade out to black, then Fade in*

    Moments Later, Betty is outside the front entrance with her cat Percy. “Since you stowed away on my ship, you owe do me a favour.” She says. “There’s a mouse inside with your name on it!” as she shows Percy the photo of Gadget. Percy starts to snarl, with his hair and claws sticking upwards instantly after seeing a glance at the mouse.
    Chip: Because cats have had such good luck dealing with us in the past.

    Betty opens the door and Percy rushes in to capture Gadget. Gadget, on top of the kitchen table, sees the cat running towards her, with a calm, eyes lowered expression on her face.

    She starts to prepare ingredients in a bowl for a cake.
    Monty: Well, at least he captured one aspect of Gadget’s personality correctly... obliviousness to mortal peril.

    Percy, far from the kitchen is running faster and faster, whilst Gadget finishes mixing the batter and pouring into a tin.
    Dale: Egad, no, Gadget’s pouring into a tin? It’s turning into one of those freaky Walmer things!

    Chip: Relax, Dale, it’s just a missing pronoun.

    She places the tin into the oven, and waits for it to cook. Seconds later, the oven goes “ding”. She opens the door, which slams onto Percy. Percy moves back after being hit on the head, but is then splattered in the face from the cake out of the oven.
    Gadget: Wouldn’t he be horribly burned? And, for that matter, wouldn’t an oven powerful enough to cook a cake in seconds inevitably burn the outside?

    Chip: Oh, so you did learn something from your last attempt at baking?

    Gadget: Yes, that oxyhydrogen torches have, at most, limited culinary application. I know, Monty made me write it six hundred times on the blackboard.

    Betty, still waiting outside, surprisingly sees Percy out of the door, covered in gooey cake. After passing Betty, Percy smacks a cake at her. She then falls over sitting down with cake on her face, and Percy exits. Betty scoops a drop of the cake on her face and has a small taste. “Urgh!!” she says, facing the audience. “CHEESE cake!!”
    Monty: Cheese cake? I don’t get it.

    *Fade to next scene*

    Later, Betty goes to the door she was previously inside. She tries to listen carefully through the door, unaware that Gadget is tiptoeing towards her. Gadget gives a big Speedy Gonzales “YEE-HAW!”
    Gadget: I. Would. Not. Do. That.

    causing Betty to jump and hit the ceiling, then fall back down the ground. Gadget runs off, while a mad Betty starts to chase her. Gadget runs into another room, which has a red velvety curtain instead of a door. Betty runs after her through the curtain, missing the sign saying “Harem”
    Dale: See! I told you this would be in here!

    Chip: It was inevitable. But let’s not forget about what’s really interesting here: Gadget has a harem in her hideout.

    Inside were more curtains and cushions while the music of “Streets of Cairo” was playing in the room. Betty searches round the area, spots a belly dancer, who is really Gadget cleverly disguised, carelessly swinging her hips in the slow rhythm of the music.
    Chip: Cleverly disguised as the only thing anyone is ever disguised as in the Tellywebverse.

    Gadget: I guess Atomic Betty didn’t get the briefing on the special place belly dancers hold in the laws of nature here.

    “Oh, Sorry to bother you!” Betty says. “I was looking for someone.” The dancer looks and walks to her, “Not at all! Come and dance with me!” The dancer replied in a lower voice. Betty blushes, “Oh I couldn’t! I mean I…” she says till she’s dragged to a dressing curtain and the dancer switches Betty suit into an Arabian harem outfit.
    Dale: And we’re two-for-two on female characters getting into harem dancer costumes.

    As the music increases a little bit of speed, the dancer resumes her belly dancing. Betty, at first unsure, starts to slowly build up her skill, and finally ends up belly dancing like the dancer. She distracts herself from the enjoyment, the dancer stops to check on her.
    Chip: She enjoyed it, because everyone shares the same preferences as the author.

    Gadget: As if he lacked a firm distinction between his own preferences and the varied tastes of his readers, possibly part of a broader --

    Monty hits Gadget with the sock.

    Monty: I don’t know why, but I... I just knew I had to do it, one more time.

    Realising Betty is distracted; Gadget removes her face veil, waves it like a handkerchief and says “Goodbye now!” making a quick exit.
    Gadget: Wait, why wouldn’t I quietly slip out and be miles away before she figured it out on her own?

    Chip: Because that would make sense.

    Betty swings her hips with her arms behind her back. The music then stops as she pauses causing her belly, seconds afterwards, to plop onto the ground like a cannonball.
    All: Eeew!

    Chip: I didn’t expect a sudden excursion into body horror.

    She realises she was tricked again and runs after Gadget again.
    Chip: With no belly?

    Betty stops during the chase, and gets an idea.
    Dale (as Betty): I really should go back and collect all my body parts.

    She reaches out a tray, and opens the lid, revealing a wedge of cheese. The fog from the smell slowly reaches further and further. Gadget, silently giggling in the corner, suddenly picks up the scent, and starts to go all in love. Her heart pounds, while her eyes make pink hearts. Red hearts float in the air and pop till she floats through the scent towards the cheese.
    Gadget: Okay, everyone knows that Monty is the only one who gets Cheese attacks. I only even ate a piece of cheese once in the entire series!

    Chip: You think Tellyweb watched our show? I assumed he just found naughty pictures of you on the Internet and let his imagination carry him away.

    Gadget: Good point. That would explain why he apparently knows absolutely nothing about my personality or characterization.

    Betty traps Gadget in the tray. “Got you at last” she says. But when she opens the tray, instead of Gadget was a note saying “Sorry, but I don’t like Limburger” with a face blowing a raspberry.

    Defeated, Betty lies down to the ground crying. “I can’t take it anymore” she utters. “I’ve been outsmarted by a rodent. I’m a disgrace to the Galactic Guardians!” while Betty remains crying, Gadget sees her upset and starts to feel guilty.
    Gadget: Guilt? … What is this “guilt” feeling which is being attributed to me?

    Chip: It’s what you are supposed to feel for messing with my feelings and trying to blow up Zipper with dynamite.

    Gadget: So it’s similar to being sad, but for no good reason?

    Chip: Um... nevermind.

    Her eyes become all puppy dog eyed, while shedding tears out of them. She walks over to Betty and says “Hey, don’t cry! It’s okay! Tell you what. You can capture me!”
    Gadget: What? Why?

    Betty wipes her eyes after crying, “You…really mean it?” “Sure, I’m sure! Gadget replies. Betty smiles, “Okay! Thank you!” the quickly fires a net out of her laser gun
    Gadget: I object to this!!

    Chip: You object to losing? Well, you’re the villain in this story.

    Gadget: No, I object to laser guns that shoot nets!

    trapping Gadget inside. “You’re Under Arrest!!”

    *Fade to Galactic Guardian HQ*

    Later, back at DeGill’s office, Betty has Gadget grasped hand in hand. “Excellent job, Atomic Betty!” says DeGill. “You’ve managed to capture Gadget just in time.”
    Chip: Ah, so Gadget will be able to satisfy his biological needs. That explains everything.

    “Thank You Admiral DeGill” says Betty.
    “In fact, just this morning she was skipping school.” DeGill later quotes.
    Betty, surprised, asks “Skipping School?”
    Dale: Wow, that’s heinous.

    Chip: You’d think that the school would have given up on her after years of being on the run.

    Monty: I’m warning you, that sounds awfully like mockery based on pedantic overanalysis. It’s a sockable offense.

    Chip: Since when does your vocabulary include “pedantic” and “analysis”?

    Monty hits Chip with the sock.

    “Well, sure! I’ve got Chicken Pox!” Gadget replies, as red spots were all over her face and hands.
    Betty discovers this and stutters, “Ch-ch-ch-CHICKEN POX??”
    She then screams, hair rising, and up in the air, and finally runs off, making a body shaped hole through the door.
    Gadget: What a poorly-designed door.

    DeGill walks to Gadget, unzipping his outfit, revealing
    Chip: And here it comes...

    Dale: Oh, God, if this was going to be one of those fanfics, why couldn’t it have been Gadget and Betty in the harem scene? WHY?

    to be…
    Screwy Squirrel!
    Chip: Okay... this is a little better than Admiral Ackbar, but it’s still going to be...

    “Thanks for loaning me the paint, old pal!” she says, while shaking Screwy with one hand and a paintbrush in the other.
    “No Problem!” Screwy replies. And ends facing the audience saying “Don’t you just love making cameos”, followed by his signature laugh.

    *Iris Out*
    Chip: Oh, whew. Dodged the bullet on that one.

    If it's not imagined by anyone else, it must be TellyWeb!!
    Dale: But... every character in this story was made up by someone else.

    Chip: You’re right, Dale... wait, what about Gadget?

    Gadget: Huh? Oh! I get it! Tellyweb’s Gadget is absolutely nothing like me, so she’s an original character! Gadget in-name-only!

    Monty: By Jove, you’re right!
    Chip: By Jove? Monty, have you been listening to vocabulary tapes or something?

    Monty: Maybe...

    Dale: There’s a problem, though. Tellyweb’s Gadget still looks like Gadget.

    Gadget suddenly looks angry at Dale.

    Gadget: Monty, may I borrow your sock of punishment?

    Monty hands Gadget the sock. Gadget smacks Dale with it, hard.

    Gadget: That’s for implying that an polyhedron-headed mushroom-eared kidney-bean-bodied abomination looks like me!

    Dale: Ow. Ow. Ow.

    Chip: … and there we have it. Tellyweb’s story is at least partially original, by virtue of including an original character for the villain, who just happens to be a female mouse named Gadget.

    Monty: Verily, this concludes the entertainment of this evening.

    Monty pauses.

    Monty: Forsooth.

    (Wait, did that count as some kind of meta-crossover between MST3K and the Twilight Zone? Eeek.)


    I'll find a badfic and post it for the next person after lunch.
    Last edited by Bryce; 02-21-2012 at 10:27 AM.

  33. #18
    Super Moderator Bryce's Avatar
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    The Psychic Saga, in which the word "Psychic" is used eleventy billion times.

    In case that one isn't bad enough, feel free to find your own.

  34. #19
    Super Moderator Light's Avatar
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    Disclaimer: I do not own Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers in any shape, way or form. In addition, elements from the fan fiction "Fly to the Light" belong to Matt Plotecher and are used with his permission.
    He should have just made the disclaimer short and sweet by writing "I'm not original."

    Chapter One: Dreamscapes

    Chip Maplewood stood on what appeared to be a glass platform, natural-growing quartz crystals all around him, out in the middle of a swirling dark blue chaos. Standing before him was an old rat dressed in a brownish garb not unlike that of an ancient Catholic monk.
    Catholic Monks would've likely renounced their faith if they had known that they'd be compared to rats in a fanfic in the distant future.

    "Chipper Maplewood", spoke the voice of the rat, "Have you any idea what your friend had done to the Mind's Eye Jewel?"
    Who the hell is Chipper? The only person chipper around here is going to be me once I'm done reading this crap.

    "Uhm, yes", replied Chip. It was one of those dreams where, akin to watching a movie, Chip had no control on what his own self was doing, regardless of any thoughts flowing through his subconscious.
    Even the thought of making Gadget moan "oh golly, oh golly, golly?"

    "We were fighting Fat Cat and his cronies", explained the chipmunk. "They were trying to kill us! They stole an amethyst on an ornamented silver chain from the museum, and we were trying to get it back. We managed to knock out Fat Cat's henchmen, and when Monty swung one of the chains they used on us, it hit the jewel around Fat' Cat's neck. Lavender light came out, and somewhere during it, Monty conked Fat Cat over the head with the chain and took him out, too. We returned the jewel, but it was cracked… why? What's with that look?"
    He's making that look because he can't believe any writer would put so much detail into writing a Rescue Ranger fanfic. Go write a real book or something. Or are you just too talented to get a life?

    "Chipper", spoke the rat,
    lol, Chipper again.

    "You may first of all call me Sirocco. Second of all, that jewel is one of the physical things containing a powerful but malevolent spirit of a psychic rat known who calls himself Taal'Reh. We – my fellow psychics from long ago and I – were forced to seal his spirit away, for his powers go beyond life and death. His and ours are the powers of psychokinesis, the forces of the mind".
    Psychokinesis, the forces of the mind? Well reading this fanfic would give anyone the power of crapokinesis, the forces bowel movements.

    "You expect me to believe any of that?"

    "You will indeed believe in due time. Allow me to explain myself further, however…"

    "Go ahead, I guess. I'll wake from this nutso dream soon enough..."
    Yes. Just tap your feet together and say there is no place like home and you're be back where you belong in the Disney Vault until you're needed to make more money of the fans again. Can you say Chip 'n' Dale on Blu ray?

    "Very well. Taal'Reh's main powers are to generate artificial life forms in the form of monsters as well as to bestow upon others similar powers as he. He will use such powers to gain favor in the enemies of your fellow Rescue Rangers and use them to aid in his complete escape from his bindings… and to eliminate you and your friends as a threat".
    Good, then the Acorn Cafe will never exist!

    "Wait wait wait… what do you mean by that? Why would he choose our enemies to do all this?"
    Because he needs to be a cliche villain and let others do his dirty work for him. That or the writer is just too lazy.

    "It is because he perceives you and the others as a threat. Your escapades and adventures are known in the spirit worlds as well as other places of existence. One such place includes the plane of existence where we have trapped the soul of Taal'Reh, and considering he originated here in where your hometown now resides, you all are now considered his enemies. But, fret not. For I come bearing both warnings and gifts, as well as the task of defeating Taal'Reh and exorcising him once and for all"
    All of that and because he's a Bonkers fan.

    Before Chip and Sirocco, there would soon fade into the dream six weapons: a whip, a sword, a spear, an axe, a dagger, and what looked like a pair of three-clawed gloves that could be put onto the digits of a bat's wings. "Behold", spoke Sirocco, "These weapons will impart to you and the others powers which shall be of use for combating the forces of Taal'Reh. For you, Chip, I give the Storm Whip, which shall impart upon you control of lightning. For your best friend Dale, the power of flame and the usage of the Inferno Sword shall be his.
    Chip and Dale slash fans shall rejoice now that he is literally a flamer.

    For Gadget, she shall have the Spiral Spear and the power of wind.
    She needs something to protect herself from rabid rangerphiles.

    For Monty, he shall gain the Blast Axe and the power to create waves of seismic force. For Zipper, power over cold and of the Glacier Dagger will come to him.
    I would express joy in the fact that Zipper just became relevant but consider he's a fly, that glacier dagger will be too small to pose any threat, which means he just sucks again.

    And for Foxglove, usage of the Wave Claws and the ability to pierce the minds of her foes using her own echo-sounding with harmful telepathy will be hers".
    Deborah Walley must be turning in her grave over what fans have done to the only thing that anyone cares to remember her for.

    Chip nodded slowly. "Whatever you say, Sirocco. So… when do I wake up from all this?"
    As soon as you feel something snapping down on your neck. At least, that's what I'm hoping.

    "Right about now", spoke Sirocco. "Right about…. Now!"

    During the night, the others had also dreamt: Dale was giant and fought Godzilla in his sleeping visions;
    Way to ruin another franchise just by mentioning it one sentence. For that, you deserve an atomic breath and an absurdly cool flying kick to the midsection.

    Monty was on an adventure with Geegaw Hackwrench
    What do you know? Slash fans can rejoice again!

    and Zipper, and Zipper was a fighter pilot of sorts, dressed in aviator garb and doing battle against other flying creatures in the wild blue yonder.
    This writer likes to use big words like yonder, which by definition, is a far distance. But no matter how far away you try to read this fanfic from, you can tell it's still awful.

    Chip, however, was not the only one who had a strange dream that would soon foretell future adventures.

    Gadget's dream began with her bundled up in a soft, warm blanket, held in the hands of her mother Terica with her father Geegaw looking down upon her. Their smiles and expressions were as soft and warm as the cloth that Gadget was held within. As the visions of her parents faded out into a white light, she then saw herself standing in a similar zone that Chip was in within his own dream. And, right before the young mouse's eyes, walking down from the dark chaos as if from down a staircase, were none other than
    Ray Jones!

    Terica and Geegaw Hackwrench, her beloved, deceased parents. It had been some time ago that, after the adventure to deal with the Furfoot Clan alongside the Japanese mice Kan Sune and An Tham Sun, Geegaw, within the last days of his life that his cancer slowly took from him, eventually passed away within the company of his daughter. Yet, regardless of his passing, there he was, alongside his long-since deceased wife.
    They're about to plead with her to get them out of the hell that they were trapped in by this writer, a fate worse than the cancellation of the show.

    "Mom! Dad!" Gadget ran to her parents, hugging them tightly. They returned the hug, holding their beloved daughter close.

    "Oh, Gadget, sweetheart", said Terica, becoming tearful, "It's been so long since I've held you in my arms…"
    Yes, it's been so long since she killed herself over being given such a terrible name.

    "I know", said Gadget, barely able to talk through her own crying, "…I know, mom".
    I know, mom. Your name sucks.

    Geegaw patted his wife on the back. "There there, hon… everything will be alright". He turned to his daughter. "We've been watching you, Gadget, and we'd like to tell you that, sometime tomorrow, you might be able to spend some time with us outside this dream… for a little while, but it's better than nothing".
    You'll see us after suffering an overdose of pills after googling your name under images.

    "What do you mean… dad?" asked Gadget in a hushed voice, looking up to him with pleading, tear-filled eyes.
    Don't look up anything involving your name or the words cheer and up.

    "There is this place called Memoryscape… it's known as the place 'Where the Dead Speak Again'. We don't have much time for now, but… all we can tell you is to have an open mind, and that tomorrow night you shall learn how to get there. After all, how many adventures have you had amongst your new families that have involved the unexplainable?"

    "Also", said Terica, "We wanted to tell you… do not be afraid, and to never give up. We'll always be by your side, Gadget, no matter what will happen. For, when you wake up, you will begin another adventure with your friends, one of great importance…"
    Also, you're adopted.

    Gadget nods. "…I understand…"

    "Until next time then, my fine daughter", said Geegaw.
    Geegaw finds his daughter to be fine. Now this is starting to look like a rangerphic. But where was the "18 and over" rating?

    "Yes… until next time, Gadget", said Terica. And before Gadget could reply or protest, she awoke to the next day.

    And, as old wounds reopened, so did the floodgates holding back her tears.
    I cried when I realized this wasn't the end of the fanfic.

    Chip 's eyes popped open wide. It was the morning after the Rangers' quest to recover the Mind's Eye Jewel, the jewel aforementioned in the dream. Groaning at the weird dream, he sat up and rubbed his eyes. That is, until Dale burst into his room.

    "Hey, Chip!", he said, an excited look in his eyes. "I don't know what's up with these things on the couch in the living room, but I think Santa came early!"
    I wouldn't recommend that this writer look in his stocking and see what Santa left him after Old St. Nick read this story.

    "There's no such thing as Santa, Dale", said Chip, reaching for his fedora.
    Chip kills childhoods. I thought that was only something this writer was capable of.

    "Still! Come and check it out! There's, like, six neato weapons there!"

    Chip's heavy eyes popped wide open. "…what…?"

    "As I said, Chipper! Come and check 'em out!" With that, Dale left Chip's room, leaving a confused and apprehensive Chip by himself.
    He left him confused and apprehensive, thinking "did he just call me Chipper?"

    -End Chapter One-
    Please just end it here.

    For the next fanfic to rip apart, I dare anyone to do Friends and Enemies, one written by myself:

    http://chipndaleonline.com/gallery/d...image-8-3.html

    Do your worst, please. Nobody was a bigger critic of my work than myself so prove me wrong and do better at making fun of it, praise for the story be damned.
    "Light got disconnect?ed from the community, and Ducky seems to be in love with him"

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  36. #20
    Claricephile extra amorous CD's Avatar
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    Chapter 7
    CD: And lo and behold, the ones who inflict violence against us readers lay in the boiling river of blood as the suicides who inflicted violence upon themselves after reading this story have turned into trees, as the harpies draw their blood by sinking their talons into their limbs. The blasphemers who commit violence against God, the sodomites who commit violence against nature, and the usurers who commit violence against art, like the author, run through the desert as fire rains on their heads from the sky. And it was called the seventh circle of hell.

    Five years ago, there was nightclub in downtown called the Acorn Club. Although it enjoyed moderate success when it was around,
    Chip: Back before their license to host more risqué burlesque acts was revoked.

    it reached the height of it's popularity when Clarice sang there. She was always the main attraction and on one particular night, the house was brought down when Clarice sang with Chip and Dale.
    CD: [Clarice] ~I don’t want anybody else. When I think about you I touch myself.~
    Chip: Okay, that’s a side to Clarice I never imagined. I don’t know if I should be worried one way or another.
    CD: Next up is Dale performing “Sweet Transvestite”.
    Chip: Eek!

    "Little girl, you're the one girl for me," Chip sang to Clarice as he the piano.

    "Little girl, you're as sweet as can be," Dale sang to Clarice as he played a brass instrument.
    Dale: What is Chip doing with the piano?
    Chip: And why isn’t Dale playing a bass guitar?

    Then Chip and Dale sang together.

    " Just a glance at you meant love from the start. And, oh, what a thrill came into my heart."

    Clarice, who was sitting on top of Chip's piano, joined in and sang,

    "Little boy, with your cute little ways. I am yours for the rest of my days."
    CD: That’s correct babe, [deep voice] one day you will be mine!

    Then all three of them sang,

    "And this great big world will be divine, little girl. I'll be livin in the world with the love you're given. Little girl, little girl, little girl. When you're mine. All mine!"
    CD: [deep voice] All mine indeed, Clarice!

    The audience erupted in cheers and applauds. As all three chipmunks took a bow,
    Chip: [Clarice] Oh, silly me. I completely forgot to get dressed for tonight.
    Dale: That explains all the applause and cheering.

    Clarice slipped Chip a note. Then she turned to Dale and kissed him on the cheek. Chip read the note.

    Come up to my suite at 10:00
    Chip: Or the kid gets it.

    Chip looked at Clarice. She winked at him as she continued to bow. Chip smiled and after stuffing the note into his pocket, he continued to bow too. When 10:00 rolled around, Chip told Dale that he needed to run an errand. Without suspecting a thing, Dale said,
    Dale: Sure, you and Clarice do a little bow-chicka-bow-wow [winks].
    Chip: Eh… yeah. Sure we will, eheh.

    "See you back at home."
    Dale: I’m ordering pizza!
    Chip: Oh no you don’t!
    CD: You’re at the Acorn Club, you can’t stop him.
    Dale: Can I order a Mountain Dew with my pizza?
    CD: *sigh* Yes you can, just add it to your order.
    Chip: Am I in Clarice’s room now?
    CD: No, you didn’t actually say you’re going to her room yet. You have to state what you do first.
    Dale: I order a double anchovy and a Mountain Dew. Roll for “Order Pizza” skill.
    CD: *groan* A natural twenty, your delivery person is a beautiful young chipmunk lady who’s making her last delivery. She chats you up.
    Chip: Am I in Clarice’s room now?
    CD: Yes, you already are! I’m busy with Dale here.
    Chip: Okay, but if Clarice is in there I want to do her!

    Then he left. Chip went up to Clarice's suite which was above the nightclub. Walking toward Clarice's door, Chip was about to knock on it when he thought to himself,

    "What am I doing?"
    Chip: Let me get this tux off and dispose of the hat. There, bowtie and cuffs are all I need to wear.
    CD: I hear you two had a great dancing act at the House of Mouse during Ladies’ Night.

    He looked at Clarice's door and thought to himself,
    "She wants me and only me to come in. She didn't slip Dale any note and she told him that she would see him tomorrow. So what does that mean for me?
    CD: [Chip] Am I being punished? Did I do something wrong? Is she going to tell me we should part ways? What if she says “get out of here kid, you’ve got no future”. I mean, I just don’t think I can handle that kind of rejection.
    Dale: *sneeze*MacFly*sneeze*

    Did she invite me up so she could compliment my piano skills or could it be that..."
    CD: [gritting his teeth] She doesn’t want to play piano, she just wants to get horizontal!

    The door opened and Clarice stood in the doorway, wearing only a bathrobe.
    CD: Bunga-bunga!
    Chip: [whistles loudly]
    Dale: Ahroooooo!
    All: Hellooooo Clarice!

    "Hello, Chip," she greeted.
    CD: [Clarice] Wait here as I turn around and bend over. I think I dropped the soap.

    Chip blushed and almost fell back at the sight of her.
    CD: …Cleavage the depth of the Grand Canyon.

    "Clarice...I, uh..." He stammered. "I, um...uh..."
    CD: Chip, I’m warning you! The off chance of seeing Clarice naked is about the only reason for me to keep reading. DO NOT SCREW THIS UP!
    Chip: I-I-I…what is this I don’t even-

    He didn't know what to say. Clarice laughed and asked,

    "Would you like to come in?"
    CD: I’d settle for come on- I mean, come on and settle on your soft- Sofa and peek- speak. Excuse my slip off your robe- of the tongue. I should hold your breast- hold my breath I mean, and tits very hard to copu- it’s very hard to concentrate. And is it me or did it just get hot in here?
    Chip: You have problems, you know that?

    "I'd love to!" Chip shouted. "I mean, I'd be happy to, no, I accept your request..."

    Clarice laughed.
    CD: Admit it, I’m just saying what you’re thinking here.
    Chip: That’s dif- that’s… correct. Sort of… Maybe.

    "Sure," Chip smiled.

    He came inside and Clarice closed the door once he was in. When he heard her locking the door, Chip asked Clarice,
    Chip: Why are you grinning evilly all of a sudden?
    CD: [Clarice] Because like a Black Widow spider, you are trapped in my web now little boy. And after we mate, it’s me who gets to have some fun.

    “What, do you want me to stay a while?"

    "Well, if I have my way,"
    CD: [Clarice] with you, you’ll be mentally scarred and have a sore butt hole by morning.

    Clarice answered as she walked passed him. "You'll be staying for the entire night."

    "T-The entire night?" Chip asked.
    Dale: I just know Chip can’t keep it up all night for her.
    [Chip whacks Dale with his hat]

    Clarice didn't answer him. She walked into the kitchen while Chip headed over to her big, red couch and sat down.
    Chip: Hmm, velvet red. Bouncy. Traces of sweat and fluids. Crumbs.
    CD: And of course, our detective completely ignores the hot babe to inspect her couch. There’s a word for people like you.
    Chip: In fact, this place looks like I’ve been here before.

    A minute late, Clarice walked back into the living with two wine glasses in one hand and a bottle of Champagne in the other. Walking over to Chip, she handed him his glass. She set her glass down on a coffee table which was in front of the couch. Then she shook the Champagne bottle and pressed her fingers up against the cork.
    Dale: Gently taking the shaft in her hands as her gentle touch began to warm the cold but solid head and neck of the pleasuring object, she moved her hand up and down as the pressure built and she readied herself for its release to receive the stimulating liquid.
    CD: For some reason, Clarice makes the act of popping champagne sound strangely enticing.
    Chip: Cue Freudian imagery in 3, 2, 1…

    After giving it a good push, the cork popped off and flew across the room. It hit a vase, which fell and shattered when it hit the floor.
    CD: [Takei] Oh my.
    Dale: That was a powerful ejaculation.
    Chip: *gasp* Dale! You understand big words!?

    "Oh," Chip said as he covered his mouth.
    Chip: [covering his mouth] Oh! I just had a horrible image of Clarice cross my thought because of all this.

    "Don't worry," Clarice said. "That vase was a replica."

    Then she poured some Champagne into her glass. Chip held out his glass and she poured some into his. After taking a sip, Chip said,
    [Chip slaps a hand over both other guys’ mouths]
    Chip: Before you say anything about that sentence, consider first if it’s worth your life.

    "This is a great place."

    "You haven't seen all of it yet," Clarice smiled. "There's the kitchen, the bathroom, the balcony, and the bedroom."
    Dale: [Clarice] I have to show you my My Little Pony bed sheets and nightie. I’ve got towels, washcloths, a floor mat, toothbrush, ovenmits…
    Chip: Oh no, what have I gotten myself into?

    "Hmmm," Chip said as he took another sip of his Champagne."

    "How is it?" Clarice asked.
    CD: Salty.
    Chip: Don’t forget the taste buds for salt are in the back of the throat.

    "It's good," Chip answered. " As a matter of fact, I might go for..."
    Chip: Some lovin’! There, I said it.
    CD: Wow, what was in that champagne?
    Dale: Well, her last name is Seville in this story. So I guess it was the Witch Doctor’s ooh-ee-ooh-aa-aa wanna wanna bang-bang.

    He burped.

    "Oh, excuse me," Chip blushed.
    Dale: Now click again to make him say something else that’s funny!

    Clarice laughed as she moved closer to him.
    "So, what do want to do?" Chip asked.
    Dale: [Clarice] Well I’ve been looking for someone who wants to play checkers with me.
    CD: Bo-ring. We all know Chess is the true sport of romantics.

    "Well, for starters..." Clarice answered.

    Then she kissed him.
    CD: [Chip] Woaw, hold on there! Not so fast there. Don’t get any ideas, we’re just friends, alright?
    Chip:

    Although surprised, Chip gave in and wrapped his arms around Clarice. They fell onto the couch and continued to kiss. The next morning, they were in bed.
    Chip: I knew that couch was a teleporter. My investigation revealed it.
    CD: Who knew? Chip and Clarice’s snuggling gets them sucked into the black hole.

    While Clarice slept on his chest, Chip was fully awake and had his arm wrapped around her. Suddenly, Clarice said,

    "I love you,"

    Chip smiled
    Chip: Yeah! Rolled a critical 20 on Technique.
    CD: Aw man, you own the Book of Erotic Fantasy? Come on! That’s just dumb. You’re such a nerd, Chip.
    Chip: But I got laid.

    and responded,

    "I love you too."
    Dale: Oh, now I remember why I hated this story. It screwed me out of my girlfriend.
    [Chip’s smile sparkles as he sits proudly upright.]
    CD: What say you we frag this smug Twilight pretty boy?
    Dale: My level 18 warrior will beat his tail all the way down to the ninth circle.



    For the next fic, here's Shadow Warrior by "Sabrewolf":
    http://rrdatabase.kalaydina.ru/writt...ow_warrior.txt


    Read my evil European political blog
    : http://cdrrpb.blogspot.com/ Last updated: 4 December 2007

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