I got to give credit where it's due. Perhaps CD was the only one appropriate enough to do it. Not only has he read my past fanfics, but I also appreciate his humor and his unyielding passion for Clarice. Bravo, brother
I got to give credit where it's due. Perhaps CD was the only one appropriate enough to do it. Not only has he read my past fanfics, but I also appreciate his humor and his unyielding passion for Clarice. Bravo, brother
"Light got disconnect?ed from the community, and Ducky seems to be in love with him"
The author of the fanfic CD proposed for mocking, Darren "Sabrewolf" Perlongo, was killed by a drunk driver in 1998. After dying, he maintained his amateur radio license through 2006 in spite of a general government policy to cancel license grants to the deceased, graduated from high school in 2001, explored neopaganism, got Youtube and Google+ accounts, and even became engaged. He also seems to be working in Atlanta, possibly as an EMT. Although he wasn’t much of a fanfic writer, I feel that his post-mortem accomplishments still stand as an inspiration to dead people everywhere, rivaling those of Mark Twain.
This being the case, I don't think anyone should stop themselves from participating in this forum game out of respect for the dead.
Chip: This is an auspicious start.By: Darren "Sabrewolf" Perlongo
*********The Shadow Warrior
Opening Scene: Close up shot of a dark mouse in the prone position with a rifle almost
completely concealed by shadows and vegitation. He is looking through
a scope mounted atop of his rifle at a group of mice children playing in an
* area outside a wealthy looking house.
Dale: A hitman killing a child? Is this what happens when a psychopathic child killer wins the lottery?Mouse thinking: *I can't believe I took another one of these horrible jobs for
Gadget: Maybe the killer is motivated by a genuine, if misguided, concern about a Malthusian population catastrophe. Under such circumstances, sub-contracting the work would be natural.
Dale: For honorable glory!But if I don't take it and make some money someone else
will and it will be done anyway.But what does it matter,there is no honor
glory in this type of job.
Chip: Well, he's got us there. Rules are rules.I can't even quit on this one,I am bound by my
Chip: Yeah, just keep telling yourself that. Just one more senseless child-killing to pay the rent. If you can justify that to yourself, you can justify anything.I just can't do it anymore,I have been fighting all my life and
have given up so much to be what I am,and money is no longer a worthy
cause.I will find some way to use my abilities to do good,I swear it!But
I must finish this one last hit.
Gadget: Why does he think in exposition-speak, anyway?
Chip: It’s like that voice people have in their heads, that narrates in hard-boiled metaphors.
Chip: What, you don’t have one?
Gadget: How long can a toddler stay “well dressed?”Camera remains at same shot throughout above,and now shows the mouse starting to take
aim,then switches to a circled in shot through the scope. The scope view shows the children sitting in a circle on the ground. The crosshairs slowly move to the center of a well dressed toddler's head.
Chip: Outdoors? While playing? About thirty seconds.
Monty: So, a little longer than Dale, then.
Chip: Of course, killing children for money is much more respectable than killing them for personal reasons.Camra switches back to the previous shot showing a single
tear run down the mouse's cheek.Then a single shot rings out.
Dale: And he cries when he kills children. That's way more sympathetic.
Gadget: In addition to machines, I also fix plot holes. It’s a pity I also have a neurotic compulsion to explain my actions to people who already know about them, at a time when it is no longer relevant to the situation at hand, for the benefit of unseen third parties.Part 2
As the very tired rangers walked through the door after a very demanding case they can barely walk to the couch before collapsing on it.
Chip: ***Boy, was that a tough case or what?
Monty: **Too right, and I can't believe that those clowns still got away after we chased them halfway across town.
Gadget: **too bad we couldn't use the ranger planes to go after them in, I was in the middle
of adding some new controls to make them more maneuverable.
Gadget: I said that because I thought it was funny, but it probably wasn’t.
Chip: … yes, where indeed, Gadget? Where indeed?Montyquietly) I can hardly wait.
Chip: *we were lucky we caught them without to much of their fancy weapons their smuggling in,those two rocket launchers they were toting almost cooked us for dinner.
Gadget: **where would rodents get weaponry like that?
Gadget: I know nothing about those missing model rocket engines!
Dale: Like a parrot?
Monty: **yeah,that kind of stuff is humans only.
Zipper,who has been perched on Monty's shoulder,
Chip: No, not like a parrot; parrots can talk.
Chip: Krikey?buzzes something to him
Monty: What could it mean?
(Gadget looks it up in a dictionary)
Gadget: Ah, here it is - Krikey. Interjection. A corruption of the word “khrist.”
Monty: He must be thinking of cheese.you're right zipper,we can't go after them if they pack that kind of
Dale: **yeah,those things took a pretty big chunk out of that brick wall.
Chip: (yawns) Well why don't we get some sleep and we'll plan tomorrow..
All the rangers agree and head off to their bedrooms and go to sleep.
Early the next morning,Chip is the first to wake and slowly gets himself out of bed. He
put on his jacket and his hat and went into the kitchen and sat down at the table.
soon thinking of how to spend more time with Gadget.A few minutes later Monty walked
in and saw Chip *daydreaming *and grinned,he knew what Chip was thinking about.
Chip: … and take them to IHOP.Monty: **G'day mate
chip was startled for a moment but looked up to the big mouse who was donning a apron and chefs hat.
Chip: **Good morning monty, whats for breakfast.
Monty: (with slight cheese attack) Ceeeeezzzzzzzeeeee flapjacks
Chip: ***Well I'll go get the rest of the gang.
Dale: We must have gotten lost on the way back from the restaurant.Several hours later
(Author's note: I duly tried to work that misspelling into some kind of pony joke, but it's late and I'm tired. Sorry.)The rangers had decided not to pursue the case today because of the bad weather and
lack of knowledge of how to deal with this kind of weaponary.
Chip: Well, that's a nice piece of writing.Dale is watching a horror
movie on tv,Chip is reading a sure-luck Jones novel,Gadget is in her Workshop,and Monty
and Zipper are playing cards.
Gadget: I don't think a robot with dice and a mad-libs book could do any better.
Gadget (crying): Why, oh why did Chip have to step in front of my tunnel boring machine?All the sudden, there is a knock at the door.Chip,bored to death,
Dale: It's okay, Gadget. At least we can be together now. And I don't think any of your machines are boring.
Chip: Oh, darn. Gadget – another one of your angsty relatives is here.jumped up and ran to answer it. When he opened the door he was almost shocked at what he saw.There was
a male mouse,about his height standing outside the door. He was dressed in a jet black Battle Dress Uniform,with a jet black trench style coat over that. He wore black boots
that came nearly to his knees and a black aussie style hat.
Chip: Shadow? That seems familiar somehow.On his body he wore shoulder
harness with something that looked very much like a semiauto pistol under each shoulder.
On his back there was something that looked like a sword strapped across him.He looked
more like a shadow then a mouse.
Chip: Home of Chip Rescue Ranger, Dale Rescue Ranger, Monterey Jack-Rescue Ranger and Gadget Hackwrench-Rescue Ranger.Mouse: **Good Day Sir,is this The Rescue Ranger residence?
Gadget: Golly, it was so nice of you to adopt me.
Chip: Dale and I both wanted kids pretty bad.
Chip: Seeing as how the Rescue Rangers are a crime fighting organization, and mercenaries are illegal...By now Monty,Zipper,and Dale were standing behind him.
Chip: **Yes,it is can we help you?
Mouse: **Actually it's more the other way around. My name is Wolf,I am interested in joining your team. I don't have a normal resume so I'll just give you my S.A.M.O. file.
Wolf: **"Small Animal Mercenary Organization".
All the rangers look at him kind of funny.
Monty quickly moves to block Wolf's view of the “help wanted” sign.Wolf: I'm an ex-merc, I just quit the business.
Wolf hands Chip a file folder that is very thick but well organized.
Chip: **Well I don't know,we don't really need any new members right now.
Wolf: **I understand,and thats all I ask,is for you to look through the file and consider
me,thats all I want.
Chip: Well, I see you have lots of experience with assassinating toddlers. It's all very impressive, but you see, we don't really do much work in that field...
Chip: … try not to assassinate anyone while you're inside.If you decide you don't need me,I'll leave you a way to contact me
if you change your mind later.
Chip: **Well ok, we'll consider it,come on in.
Dale: He was presumed dead after being run over by a drunk driver.Chip,Dale and Monty led him to the table,while Zipper went *to go get Gadget.After
Gadget came out, they all sat down and the Rangers opened the file and began
Chip: (reading) **Name: Classified, Codename: Wolf, Status: Deceased?
Chip: See, that would be in incredibly poor taste if the author weren't still alive and living happily in Georgia.
Chip: It's a perfect plan. I assume you'll foresee the invention of Facebook and Youtube and be sure not to give yourself away by joining under your real name ten years later.All rangers look slightly confused
Wolf grinning: **Thats how I quit, I killed myself,buried myself,and spoke at my funeral.
Chip (reading): … latest victims: the Rescue Rangers!Chip(continuing file): **Enemy killed in combat: 500 confirmed,Marks terminated: 200 confirmed.
Wolf's face fell slightly,
Wolf: **I have been fighting almost all of my life you know, it adds up.
Rangers are all stunned looking,staring at him, jaws hanging.
Wolf: **Go on,read the next part
Monty: He has currant skills? Do we really need another chef?Chip: **Currant skills: Expert in all known weapons,
Gadget: Yes. Our cholesterol is through the roof.
Gadget (to Wolf): Soooo.... do you want to see my sprocket collection? I keep it under my bed...preferred weapons are katanna and firearms,Expert Rated with all explosives,
Dale: … or a badly written fanfic!skydiving,underwater operations,climbing,fighter jet pilot,medic, Master Sniper, covert entry and retrieval,master rating in all known fighting systems and martial arts.
Dale: **Sounds like something out of those action movies.
Chip (as Wolf): Would a heavily armed mercenary child-killer lie?Monty: **Yeah, how do we know you didn't just make all this up?
Monty: The Marty Stu health insurance plan includes vision care.Wolf: I can't prove it to you unless you actually see it,there is just no way.
Monty eyes him suspiciously but lets Chip continue.
Chip: **Medical and physical condition: All body systems in perfect order.Eyesight: Extremely acute normal vision,
Gadget: I guess vision can be inferred, it would be pretty hard for a blind person to master firearms.with biochip implant giving inferred vision as well.
Chip: How incredibly original!Skeleton
is fused with an unknown metal,rendering bones nearly unbreakable.
Dale: It's not like that was ever in a comic or anything.
Dale: Yep. Totally original superpowers.Three retractable claws made from the metal are on top of each hand.
Posseses a quick healing ability,regenerating damaged or destroyed tissue in less than one tenth of normal healing time.
Chip: Wolf may be phenomenal to us, Monty, but on his home planet of Mary Sue VII, he would be considered a feeble-minded weakling.Also has biochip implants in his ears premitting him to hear sounds of
frequency far above or below range of any animal's normal capicity
Monty: Sorry mates,I just can't believe all this, it can't possibly be true.
Dale: … and I think it starred Hugh Jackman.Dale: **Yup, it sounds like a movie all right.
Dale (as Wolf): See that little squirrel kid playing in that tree over there? Watch this...Gadget: **It is highly unlikely that what this says is true.
Wolf: **Trust me, I wouldn't believe me ether, but I can give you a little reassurance.
Dale: Canada.Wolf places both his arms flat on the table for all to see.Then three gleaming claws slide out of the top of each hand.
All but Wolf: **Gasp
Chip: *where did those come from?
Chip: Oh, no. More exposition.Monty: **TooRaloo, those things are sharp,who are you?
Wolf: **skip down to the part marked history.
Gadget: Now, now. The excessive attention to biography is a custom of the Marysuevian People. We must respect their culture!
Monty: I have always felt that a mercenary was not complete without excellent currant skills.Chip(reading): **History: No information is available before his joining of the organization.
Joined at age 14. Spent first 3 years in training rapidly moving up in level of skill.First
mission receive at age 17 and continued for 2 years,achieving rank and skills. Disappeared for eight months when captured on a weapons procurement raid at a US government weapons research center.When he reported in 8 months later, all his currant skills had been enhanced to point of perfection,had acquired 90% of skills listed above
Gadget: Now desperately sought by the fruit spread and jam industry, for whom the perfect currant knowledge contained in the implanted microchip would be worth millions, Wolf went on the run...after returning. Upon medical examination the following were found in his body: bones
fused with unknown metal,claws made of same metal,eye implants, a small chip was located in long term memory area of brain,according to him, this was a synthetic memory
device,now permantly locked preventing any erasure,that contained all his new knowledge.
Chip: Anyone have any more jokes about currant berries? I'm all tapped out.After the standard3 month recuperation leave,he returned back to duty. Immediately, he
rose to the organizations best mercenary.Given all the most dangerous assignment up until this currant date.
Dale: Me too.
Dale: … including the lab sink, an oscilloscope, and some old surgical instruments they were going to throw out anyway.Wolf: **while I was captured,the designers were attempting to make an enhance fighter implant system to use on soldiers in the military,but they had to test it first.I was the one
to receive the new system.They basically implanted everything they had into me.
Chip: Is that a good idea, using one person as a prototype for all those technologies?
Gadget: I do it all the time. It works fine.
Dale: Yep, it clears up any doubts about your mental condition. Welcome to the team.There was
more pain in the operations then in all the battle wounds I had receive put together.Gradually they trained me how to control all of the gear and then downloaded brain scans of the best fighters in the military into the implant.One of the side effects of the
implant is that it took a chunk of long term memory,therefore i cannot remember my childhood,it;s all just a few fragments of images.I hope this clears this up.
Chip: I... would be utterly senseless to hire a psychotic killer like you to be part of the Rescue Rangers.All the rangers are gaping at him. Finally chip regains his senses and speaks up.
Dale: Aye approve of his spelling.Chip: ***Well this is all hard to believe but the claws do give us some hint of truth,and
we need someone with your skills to help with a case we're on.Gang should we make him
officially a ranger?All in favor?
All but Wolf: I
Chip: Because I have to ask that, even if everyone who was eligible to vote already voted in favor of allowing a mass murderer to join our group.Chip: All opposed?
Chip: Probably wisely, if they want to live.No one says anything.
Chip: Okay, guys. All the currant pies in the city have been stolen...Seeing this Chip gets up and walks over to Wolf,the other rangers follow.
Chip(shaking Wolfs hand): Welcome to the team Wolf,let me introduce you to everyone.
Chip: This is Dale
Dale walks closer to him and Wolf shakes his hand, as he does there is a buzzing sound and Wolf jumps back.Dale,now laughing, shows him a handshocker. Chip gives him an annoyed look.
Wolf: Nice to meet you.
Dale: Me to, I got a kick out of it.
Chip introduces Wolf to everyone and they all sit down to discuss the currant case.
Parts 3 and on are still up for commentary.
Chip: Ah ha! How did you know it was currants?
Scene shows all the rangers sitting down at the table to discuss the currant case.
Wolf: **Well because I just got here would you care to brief me on the currant case?
Dale: A spy!
Monty: Hang the traitor!
Gadget: No! You can't! I'm... carrying his child!
Chip: Maybe because you designed them?Chip: **Well it's strange but dangerous,we chased down a pair of thugs who turned on us with some pretty heavy firepower.
Gadget: **Those to had two rocket launchers that packed quite a punch,the launchers looked familiar but we couldn't put our finger on it.
Monty: Hang both the traitors! Dibs on his cookbook!
Gadget: Yes, that's crazy talk; no-one could ever smuggle functional machines in cereal boxes. It would be absurd. Not to mention offensive to Asians.Wolf's face instantly goes dead serious at the mention of rocket launcher. He begins to listen intently.
Dale: **Boy,I wonder what cereal those things came in?
Chip bops him on the head for that remark.
Chip: **You dummy,you don't get those things from cereal boxes!
Gadget: All the best serial is made in Japan. RS-232, RS-422, even –Wolf: **Please decribe the launchers,did they look like real human launchers or toy looking?
Gadget: **Now that you mention it, they did look kind of like toys.
Wolfsoftly) oh great
Monty: **What's the matter mate?
Wolf: **I think I know where they came from,there is a company in Japan that makes all sorts of stuff including some serial called "muffy chuffys" or "nutty muddies" or something like that.
Monty hits Gadget in the head with a sock filled with lead shot, slightly too late to interrupt the nerd joke.
Dale: Eh? You found that sock? But I threw it in the lake!
Monty hits Dale with the sock.
Monty: I made a new one. And that was for throwing my sock in the lake.
Monty: Gadget, were you reading ahead?Dale: **PUFFY WUFFIES?
Wolf: yeah,that's the one, your comment on the cereal reminded me of it.
Dale gives Chip a triumphant look and looks proud.
Monty: **Too right!,and when were chasing those cereal clowns and got out in with all those toys, Gadget used one of the launchers to blast a hole to get out.
Gadget: **I thought those were a bit too life like.
(Gadget does not respond, as she is still unconscious from the last socking.)
Chip: Naturally, seeing as they go to arm America's secret chipmunk army...Wolf: **Lifelike is an understatement, those were real weapons,that is where other mercs get their weapons,their modified toys,mine are the real human weapons shrunken down,but those guns are just as dangerous. The shipments are very well guarded and
Dale: Wow, how do you know this?Monty: *Well if their so secure, how'd these goons get them?
Wolf: **Last month, a shipment disappeared and did not go through the normal distribution checks.The people who took it, stole everything action figures and all.What you used was
only a small portion of the total amount of kinds of guns.
Chip (as Wolf): Because I'm a Mary Sue, and therefore omniscient.
Gadget: “Mary Sue” is a female; the correct term for a male of his species is “Marty Stu.”
Chip: It is? I thought Gary Stu?
Gadget: That's a different ethnic group, I think.
:Dale: **So, what does all this mean anyway?
All but Dale: We have a problem.
Chip: I'll say, we're reading this fanfic.
Dale: Shh, Chip, you've offended him! Never ask a Marty Stu to put a limit on his cool stuff!Chip: **You said something about your guns, are those all you have(indicating the pistols on his harness)?
Wolf: *Hell no, I have an almost unlimited supply of *almost all weapons you can get.
Gadget: Note – that's all, not “all except Wolf,” indicating that he has surprised even himself with this absurd claim.My home base is located under this tree.
Chip: We didn't build the tree.Wolf: **Think about it, easy to remember the location,tallest oak tree in the Park,I never considered you a threat,besides it was here before you moved in.
Chip: See guys, I told you he was totally sane.I'm not going to bore you
with the details,I'll just show you.
Outside at bottom of the tree,all rangers are there and Wolf is looking at a section of the trunk about one foot up.
Wolf: (appeantly talking to the tree):
Gadget: Wolf NET?**Access, Wolf, November, Echo, Tango
Dale: Just like on Star Trek!
Gadget: For someone who supposedly determined us to not be a threat, he doesn't know much about us...After saying this a large door, about two feet wide and a foot tall opens up, revealing a long tunnel.
Wolf: **Ok, follow me
Wolf leads them on a short climb up some barely noticeable notches cut into the bark serving as a ladder and into the tunnel, Which Gadget recognizes instantly.
Gadget: **Golly! This is a runway isn't it?
Wolf: **Very Good,you are a pilot?
Chip (as Wolf): I believe the one called “Zipper” is the leader.
Dale: Zipper? Who's that?
Chip: That pet fly Monty had, until your girlfriend ate it by accident.
Dale: Oh, right. Zipper.
Chip: Ahem.Gadget: **Yes, I fly the Ranger's aircraft which I built myself.
Wolf: **Well,I can't wait to see your skills in the air.
Gadget: Since when is a jet less conventional than a tilt-rotor and a hybrid ornithopter with plungers for landing gear?Monty: We can.
Chip and Dale shoot him a stern look
Wolf: **I'm a pilot myself but I really only fly jets,I could fly a conventional aircraft, but not nearly as well.
Chip (as Wolf): I'm a Marty Stu. I'm just that awesome – in fact, the whole universe exists to demonstrate just how awesome I am.Monty: *Wait a minute,How did you get in here all this time without us knowing about it?
Wolf: *Training in the arts of stealth under the best fighters in the world for a couple of years is one reason......And my secret enterence down the path helped too.(he grins)
Chip: Inside a tree.The rangers *reach the end of the runway after quite a long walk.
Dale (as Wolf): Earl Grey, hot!It ends in a large steel wall. Wolf walks to a door on one of the side walls.He places his hand on a green tinted
glass pad to the side of the door, it glows for a second and then the door opens and he
leads the rangers into an airlock type chamber with another door. He then puts his eye very
close to a small camera looking thing.
Computer Voice: **Retina Scan Passed,please enter voice authorization now
Wolf: **Access, Wolf, November,Echo,Tango
Chip: So... he has an elevator. In Ranger Headquarters. Which we never knew about before.Computer Voice: **All checks confirmed. Welcome, Wolf
The door slid open and wolf led the rangers into a large room with many doors on the walls.Everything in here is rodent sized.
Wolf: *Welcome to my Domain,sorry about the heavy security, but with the things that are
in here it is nessecary.I *would have used the elevator that was in your house but
it would have knocked the table over,sorry.
Gadget: That's just what Marty Stus do... but still... why?
Monty (as Wolf): I... like to watch Gadget when she's asleep.
Gadget backs away from Monty on the couch.
Chip (as Wolf): I am so skilled, I can stun someone with a tactical nuclear weapon.All the rodents looked around the room, everything perfectly sized to them.
Wolf: *To keep a very long decription short, this place is about indistructable,capable of supporting us *indefinably if necceary,and has every weapon and jet we could ever need. There is on problem though, Almost all the weapons I have are fully leathal,it takes training to use them non leathaly.
Dale: By hitting them in the head with it?
Chip: A hundred? Why would one guy need a hundred planes?And also, I really don't like to use the planes unless I have to for combat because of the attention they would draw if discovered. I love just flying for fun in them and do it all the time,it is usually mistaken for either a bird or a model plane.But when you get into combat,it brings you close enough for them to see you clearly,and,well you get my point.
Gadget: *Can we see the planes?
Wolf: **Sure follow me.
He led them into a room marked "hanger" and everyone but Wolf is stunned by the sight,even more so with Gadget, There are at least 100 fighters lined up in storage lots.
Monty: It's a cultural thing. He hopes to attract a mate.
Dale: That will come in handy; our enemies are always hiding in sand-filled garbage cans!Gadget: **Golllllllyyyyy!
Monty: **Tooralooo, I haven't seen this many jets together before in me life.
Wolf: *I can outfit these with any known armament that will fit on that kind of aircraft.Of course since the armament is scaled down they don't do as much damage,a 2000 lb bomb (to scale) that when full sized will take out a fortified bridge, will take out a garbage can filled with sand.
Gadget: What? That's not on my euphemism list!Monty: Crikey!,those things pack more punch then a rhino!
Chip: I'm ready to move beyond our antiquated non-lethal methods. Let's go shoot up Fat Cat's casino!Dale: Wowwee!
Wolf: If what I suspect is correct,we are going to need some of the equipment I have here to face these guys.
Dale: *Oh boy! Oh boy! Now I can shoot up the bad guys (he imitates a machine gun)
Wolf: *actually,I'm not going to let anyone but me use the weapons until you are properly trained,if these things aren't used correctly they can be as dangerous to us as they are to them.
Chip: sounds good to me
Gadget: Does this mean I'm allowed to make chemical weapons now?
Chip: No. I like being alive.
Chip (as Wolf): I'm in charge now. Behold my awesome prowess. Try to keep out of the way as I destroy the enemy single-handedly. Dale, compose a hymn to my greatness. Monty, go home and bake a cake to celebrate my impending victory. Make it a layer cake.
wolf: *thank you,it is for our own good, now if you'll follow me into the briefing room and show me where you last encountered them,we can get started on the case.
All the rangers go into a door marked "Breifing" and talking can be heard.
Several hours later.Scene of all rangers getting into the Ranger Wing.The plane takes off and heads to where they last saw the thugs.After a brief flight, they land and all disembark.
Wolf: Ok,Chip which way?
Chip: over in that alley(he points to an alley just down the block.)
Dale: you can even see the hole that bazooka made
Wolf: *all right, come on and be quiet.
Chip: And this guy is going to teach us about gun safety?They all walk down to the alley and stop just inside of it.
Wolf: now everyone get in a single file line and watch the rear flank.
Monty: *(in an irritated voice) Now see here.
All turn to Wolf who is facing into the alley with the rest of the rangers facing him.
Monty: *Now we've been doing this a long time and we know what to do.
Wolf: *I just want the rear covered thats all.
Monty: We know how to watch our backs you know.
Suddenly Wolf,with lightning fast speed that only comes with experence,draws his .45 and lets off three rounds just hairs from monty's head.All the rangers but jump to the side.
Chip: … See, now I'm going to have to pay for group therapy again.Chip: **Are you plumb crazy??!!!
Monty: **What are you trying to do....
Suddenly a grunt is heard behind them and everyone turns to see a rat holding a knife made from a hobby knife's blade, ready to stab Monty in the back,fall to his knees with
a hole in his chest and two holes right in his heart blood flowing all over his chest.He takes a gasp for breath with a bloody mouth and falls over onto his back,dead.All the rangers but
wolf are completely stunned.
Chip (as Wolf): So... Gadget... does my martial prowess arouse you?Wolf to Monty: *you may want to work on that rear vision.
He casually walks past them to the rat and fires a round into his head,spraying a little bit of blood on his face which he wipes off with his hand.
Wolf: *just making sure
Chip (as Wolf): Evidence? Case? Shoot 'em all and let God sort 'em out!He then starts to search the body for clues while the rangers look on,still bewildered by how he could kill so causally and have no second thoughts about it.Wolf finds a small piece of paper and reads it for a second before tearing it up.
Chip: *hey, thats a clue!!
Gadget: *how are we supposed to solve the case if you tear up the evidence??
Zipper: buzzes angrily at Wolf
Dale: Makes sense.
Gadget: So... you wanna see my Sprocket collection?Wolf, ignoring their protests: *He was just a messenger,I know where their base is,lets go back to HQ and pick up some things,we're going to need them.All these guys do is make money on the black market for this kind of weaponary,their just common smugglers but they are good ones and that makes them dangerous.
Scene switch to rangers getting into the Ranger Wing.
The rangers fly back to Headquarters with Gadget flying with wolf next to her.
Dale: Our soup of the day is potato cheddar... will you be wanting something to drink?Scene switches to about ten minutes later all the rangers standing outside waiting on Wolf.
Chip: … Yeah, that's about the extent of our role in this story.
Dale: The gun helped a lot.
Chip: *I don't understand how he could kill that person so,easily.
Monty: No more “buts.” Wolf is our new leader and a living god. Now, I need to go get his cake from the oven.Monty: *He saved my skin sure enough,I'll give him that.
Gadget: *Still,he didn't have to kill that thug.
Zipper: *buzzes to Monty
Monty: *you're right zipper, sometimes you just have to make a decision on the spot.
Chip: *yes, but he made it so quickly and then he shot him again
Monty: *well if he had waited, I might not be here talking to you mate.
Chip: *yes but.......
Chip: Especially not in children's cartoons.Wolf comes out of the door with a very emotionless face.He is now carrying a M-16 with a 40mm grenade launcher on it. He is also wearing an assault vest with 300 extra rounds for the M-16,extra clips for the .45s and grenades for the launcher.As he is walking to the rangers he wonders if they still trust him after killing that man,he knew in the situation that it was more than justified by any code of law but he knew good and well that sometimes people don't take that kind of action very well.
Dale: It's okay, if any children are offended, Wolf will kill them.
Chip: Yes, my lord Wolf.He also knew that if what he suspected was correct they were all in grave danger.
Wolf: *look,I'm not going to apoligize for killing that thug because it was Monty or Him,but all my job is on the team is to keep everyone alive in combat conditions,which by the way we will almost certainly encounter on this case.We go about solving this case like you would solve any other but I'll be keeping an extra sharp lookout, Agreed?
Rangers nod in response.
Gadget: Oh, good. I've been waiting to test my rocket-propelled Rainbow Dash doll.Wolf: *well then lets saddle up!
Monty (as Wolf): Chip... is this sprocket collection just a metaphor for her, uh... you know?Part 5
Scene shows wolf leading rangers through the junkyard where the note had said the base was.He is walking low with his rifle at the ready.He noticed he was much more nervous than normal while on a combat mission.He wasn't afraid of death but more about the deaths of his new teammates.He had grown rather attached to them in the last few hours and now he was more worried about them than himself.He knew you weren't supposed to make friends you couldn't stand to lose in his profession but he couldn't help it.As they came upon their destenation,they were walking along a long wall of concrete blocks holding up a pile of scrap metal with an alley like road going into the heap.Wolf knew
that was the objective and he also knew it would be more than well gaurded.A few feet
from the entrance he turned to Chip.
Chip: Sadly, no.
Chip (as Wolf): But much cooler.Wolf: *ok boss,I'm gonna go secure the entrence,you guys hold up here for a mike ok?
Chip: ok but what's a mike.
Wolf: a minute.
Chip: It is pretty surprising. He must be assimilating to our culture.Chip: ok but be careful.
Wolf: *zipper,would you mind assisting me?
Zipper buzzes a yes and follows him to the edge of the wall before going into the alley.Zipper wondered what wolf wanted him to do.He was surprised he would even
ask for help in the first place.
Gadget: Or he's trying to humiliate the rest of us by picking Zipper.
Dale: Does this remind you of anything?Wolf(whispering):zipper,just peak over the edge and tell me how many guards there are,you're so small they most likely won't see you.
Zipper nods and slowly peaks over the edge and suddenly jumps back.
Wolf: *how many?
Zipper holds up seven fingers.
Wolf: *oh great.
Wolf takes his rifle off safety and grips it tightly,feeling the rush he loved so much.
Chip: He shoots at them and then expects them not to dive for cover?After a second he spun half of his body over the edge firing a volley of rounds on automatic just across the alley to keep the guards down while he quickly surveyed the area to see where they were.He saw all of them behind cover making his job more difficult.
Chip (as Wolf): … maggots!After his magazine was out he spun back behind the wall a hail of bullets following, making Swiss cheese out of the wall on the other side of him.He hit the clip release and smoothly had another in place before the first hit the ground.He then locked and loaded and also switched to semi-auto.He stuck the gun over the edge and shot off three rounds as suppression fire and then swung himself around into the alley shooting two of the men right in the heads and whipped back around,this time a Rocket Propelled Grenade following along with the expected bullets.The rockets user was obviously new to the weapon because it went and hit the alley wall very close to where he was but at such an angle that the explosion bounced off the wall.He looked over at the rangers who were all hugging dirt.
Wolf(yelling to the rangers): Get over here!!
Chip: Yes, my lord Wolf; I will kill at your glorious word.As the group started to crawl over,unaware that they were in relatively little danger not being in any line of fire,Wolf spun around this time firing a grenade from his launcher right into the chest of a rat who was standing by his buddy,the grenadeexploded nailing them both. Four down three to go.As he got behind cover he felt a sharp pain in his ear,ignoring it he reloaded his launcher.By now the group had arrived next to him and Wolf handed a .45 to chip.
Chip: *but I don't know anything about firefights!
Wolf: *Baptism by fire!,just don't be a hero and lay down some cover fire for me!
Chip hesitantly nodded.
Chip: … my faith in lord Wolf is momentarily shaken! This cannot be!Wolf: *NOW!
At this wolf jumped into the alley full speed firing on auto all the way, diving behind a hunk of rock about halfway into the alley,chip firing wildly but accoplishing the task he had been given.Wolf now lying on his back behind the rock, reloaded the 16 and flipped over into the prone position.He laid down some suppression fire and when they went down, he came up running toward them nailing two of the three,but before he could get the third guard,his gun jammed.Dropping it,he leaped toward the rat who was now drawing a rather long knife and pulled out his own katanna the blade a glimmering black.Landing right next to the rat, they engaged in an impressive match of sword play.The sentry knew how to use that knife of his and managed to slice Wolf several times.
Chip: If he gets cut up this badly and thinks nothing of it, after seven hundred kills, wouldn't he be pretty disfigured?
Then Wolf disarmed him and leaped in for the kill.A few minutes later he walked out to the group who were waiting for him
Gadget: *Oh my gosh! you've been hurt!
Wolf: *I caught a graze to the ear,no big deal.
Gadget: *what about all those cuts on your arms?!
Wolf: *that guard knew how to use a blade.
Gadget: No, scars only make Marty Stus more ruggedly handsome.
Dale: Just like Pokemon! With more firearms!They walked back to the Ranger Wing where Wolf explained where the weapons were that had been moved while Gadget bandaged him up with the firstaid kit she kept in the plane.
Wolf: *it really sucks that we got here too late,now the guns are all over the city and we got to find'em all.
Chip: I should write the NRA. They need suggestions for the new coloring book.
Dale (as Wolf): No. I never leave the vast catacombs hidden under the tree.Chip: *do you know how big this city is!?
Monty: Too right, theres no way we can track down all those bloom'n pea shooters.
Dale: *so what do we do now?
Gadget: *first we have to get him to a hospital to take care of these wounds.
Wolf: *that won't be necessary Gadget thank you anyway.
Monty: *Gadgets right you're cut up pretty bad
Wolf: *these are minor wounds and my healing factor will take care of them now that Gadget has stopped the bleeding.Don't worry about it.I say we go back to HQ to rest up and plan our next move.
Monty:but we should go bash those goons now before they hurt anyone!
Chip: *wolf's right we need to plan first.We won't be able to do anything right now.
Monty looking grumpily goes along.
A rescue Ranger Story
By Brian Walmer
Dale: That’s me!Dale
Gadget: Oh, do I have to?Gadget
Monty: That’s me!Monty
Dale: (falsetto) Here!Zipper
Chip: Oh, for the love of... knock it off!
Dale: Search me!
Chip: Wait, was he was that really nondescript guy in the paisley cravat? I kept telling him he was in the wrong house but he never cottoned on.
Gadget: Oh god. No. No, I’m not doing this again. (stands and begins filing her way out of the theater)RAT Capone
And the return of
There comes a time in life, when one has to decide to either be on the
side of good or evil, and for one Desiree, it will be a decision that
will change her life forever.
Scene 1: (Morning breaks at Rescue Rangers Headquarters, and with the
Rangers heading into the dining room for brest,
Chip: Hey, careful, Gadget!
Dale: Ow, that’s my foot!
Monty: Gadget, lov, we all have to suffer-
Gadget: No, no, I’m out.
Chip: Well, she WAS sitting next to me.st, with the sitting
at the table the same as it is everyday, Chip and Gadget next to each
Dale: Easy, Chip. She’ll come back.
Dale: Hey, everybody with their respective girlfriend!same as Dale and Foxglove, and Wescott and Tammy, with Monty
and Zipper sitting at the end of the table)
Monty: WATCH IT, MATE.
Chip: Ahh, just like mother used to make it. Emotional baggage and everything.Monty: (handing the plates of food around to the other rangers) “Here
you go mates, eat up, I spent all morning making it, I hope you enjoy
Monty: Dale’s so easy to cook for. Sometimes you don’t even have to remove the Egg McMuffin wrapper.Dale: (taking a bite out his eggs and sausage breakfast): “MMM! This
is good Monty, you’ve almost outdone yourself this morning”
Chip: The most nondescript breakfast ever eaten.Foxy: (taking a sip of her orange juice) “I agree with my cutie, this
is really good, I mean the eggs and sausages are done real well, you
should be proud of yourself.”
Dale: Done real well? As in, burned to a crisp? Sounds like every breakfast he ever cooks.
Monty: Speaking of nondescript...Wescott: (with his mouth full of food) “Oh yeah, you should be proud
of yourself, (swallowing his food) this is just terrific, and I’ve ate
a lot of breakfasts during my journey here to the Ranger team, but
none of them compare to this breakfast this very morning”
Chip: What is this, everybody take their turn buttering up Monty?Tammy: “Wes’s right Monty, you’re the best cook I know.”
Dale: Uh oh.Monty: (picking up his plate) “Um’ thanks mates, but if you’ll excuse
me, I going to start washing dishes, besides I think you guys need
some time alone, uh’, coming Zipper?”
Chip: You can see the terror hit right about ...there.
Monty: You know, en suite bathrooms are nice, but en suite flies are really something else.(Monty leaves with some of the e pla plates in hand towards the
kitchen, Zipper follows in suite)
Chip: What are you, seventy years old?
Monty: More thanks to of give giving.Chip: (looking at everybody else) “Well, that was unusual of Monty,
usually he’s more accepted of thanks giving his way, but not today for
Chip: “Comma comma, comma comma comma, comma comma colon comma.”Gadget: “I know what you mean Chip, and what’s the deal of saying we
need some time alone, he never says something like, unless he knows we
want time alone.”
Dale: Wait, is Monty giving us a time out for sucking up to him?
Chip: Nobody wants to know your opinion, Dale. Ever.Dale: “You want to know what I think it is.”
Dale: Chip, that-
Monty: Well, actually, I wasn’t depressed, I was just-Foxy: “What?”
ale:ale: “Well, I think that maybe Monty’s sad and upset that he
doesn’t have someone in his life, like we do for each other.”
Chip: We remember. It hit the rest of us about a half an hour later. God, that was ugly.
Monty: Hey, I’m a ladies man! I just had to step out to-Wescott: “That may be a good point Dale, seeing that Monty’s the only
one on the team that doesn’t go on dates anymore, it would explain his
behavior this morning.”
Dale: Man, twelve bog rolls in one day! Can you imagine what the lady at the store must’ve thought?
Gadget: I’m back.Gadget: “Well if that’s the case, then it’s a real shame that Desiree
Delur turn to out to be such a, well excuse my lanague, a bitch, or
she could have been a real part Monty’s life once again.”
Monty: Nose powdered?
Gadget: Anything happen?
Chip: Well, you just called someone a bitch.
Gadget: I hope it was Wescott.
Gadget: Ask Tommy Wiseau, maybe?Tammy: “Yeah, I wonder what happen to her.”
Dale: Beaver? Wow, even my language is getting salty!Dale: (getting up from the table, and helping Foxy up too) “Who knows,
the last we saw of her, she going on a flight to Canada as a surprise
present for her Canadian beaver boss, so who knows what she’s been up
to since then.”
Gadget: Chip, can you-
(Chip slaps Dale)
Gadget: Thanks. (kisses Chip on the cheek)
Chip: Religion. It makes you a better person, unless it makes you much, much worse.Foxy: “Well, let’s hope and pray that’s she been doing some good in
her life as well as other people’s lives, instead of something bad.”
(Foxy couldn’t be more right if she tried, for at this very moment,
Desiree had become a Sunday school chorus teacher in Toronto, Canada,
boy, talk about making a 360 in your life, Desiree certain has)
Monty: Oh, God, not my ex. Ugh. I don’t know if I can take this. (gets up to leave)
Chip: (Grabs Monty’s coattails) Stay right there.
All: (falsetto) And God commanded them to smite all of the Amalekites, men, women, children, farm animals-Desiree: (leading a group of Sunday school kids in singing “This
Little Light of Mine”): “Okay kids, one more time, you ready?
Dale: VROOOOM! VROOM VROOM Vr... guys?Kids: “Ready Miss Delur!”
Desiree: “All right then, on the count of three, one...two…three, go!”
Chip: Just no.
(Dale hangs his head in despondency)
Gadget: And the children’s lives were wondrously enriched by this repetitive refrain, and all of the evil Desiree ever committed, dreamed up, or considered was more than outweighed by this one refrain of tiny angelic voices.Kids: (singing) “
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine let it shine let it shine
Hide it under a bushel NO
I'm gonna let it shine
Hide it under a bushel NO
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine let it shine let it shine
Don't let Satan blow it out
I'm gonna let it shine
Don't let Satan blow it out
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine let it shine let it shine
Let it shine till Jesus comes
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine till Jesus comes
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine till Jesus comes
I'm gonna let it shine
Let it shine let it shine let it shine”
Chip: ZzzSNORK Whaah?
Monty: (yawns) Well, that was a good nap.
Chip: Dale? DALE?
Monty: Eh, just let him sleep.
Monty: (falsetto) “Wait, who am I even talking to?”Desiree: (clapping) “That was very good kids, all right now, it’s time
to get ready to go home, you kids have good week and I’ll see you next
Kids: “Bye Miss Delur”
Desiree: (waving goodbye to the kids) “They’re sure a sweet bunch of
kids, well I guess it’s time I headed home too, I gotta start planning
for next week.”
Chip: Man, planning for one hour of Sunday School is really labor-intensive.
Monty: HOT THRILLING FEDEX ACTION!(And so with that said, Desiree packs up her Sunday school stuff,
walks out the classroom door, and heads for home, but little does she
know, that there’s a package waiting for her, when she gets there.)
Chip: Man, yeah, the action just doesn’t stop.
Gadget: Hmm. I pictured her more as the Quebec type.End of Scene 1
Scene 2: Desiree’s home in Toronto
Chip: (falsetto, with a grating faux-French accent) “I wonder if this is my special edition disc of Hugo already?”(As Desiree approaches her home, she notices a package that’s the size
of a mini DVD disc, she picks it up and takes it into her home,
wondering what it could be.)
Monty: Desiree is, of course, unable to follow what happens next, since she’s IN SHOCK.Desiree: (as she puts the disc in her mini DVD player, and sits down
to watch it) “I wonder what this could be.”
(She presses play of her remote and the disc begins playing, a shadow
covered figure appears on the screen and Desiree is in shock as this
figure starts talking about Desiree’s past
Gadget: Elevate her feet.
(Chip crosses his legs and puts his feet up on the seat in front of him)
Chip: (tapping his head) Somehow I’m hearing this guy as Dennis Hopper in Apocalypse Now.Figure on TV screen: “Desiree Delur, you thought you could hide your
past, but you were dead wrong, you think becoming a Sunday school
teacher would help you forget your past, wrong!
Dale: “You think I’m gonna be the one to make this an interesting story? Look at me, WRONG!”
Dale: Hey, he used the word “bidding.” Am I supposed to ring a bell or something?You see Miss Delur, I
know all about your criminal past, I know how you used people to do
Dale: Oh, never mind, he did it for me.for example, does the name Monterey Jack ring a bell,
Chip: Then why did you ask!?I know it does,
Gadget: He just wanted to fit more commas in.
Chip: Oh, yeah, he’s real short on those.
Dale: Comrade sent you on side trip straight to Canada. Canada is Siberia of America!because he was the last person you used to do your
bidding, and what happened, he sent you on side trip straight to
Chip: You’re thinking of Minnesota.
Chip: Doesn’t he mean “all the crimes that you committed in you’re life?”Now I know your probably thinking, that you deserved that for
all the crimes that you committed in your life, maybe your right, and
maybe your wrong,
Dale: The where?but in any case the time has come now for you to do
the criminal bidding of someone much powerful than you and if you
refuse, then I see a dreadful future for your little, sweet Sunday
School kids If you don’t do my bidding. Now all you have to do is come
to Chicago on the 6pm non-stop flight out of Toronto, and meet me
under the Chicago bridge, and I will you you your first instructions.
Chip: God, I hate when they you me my instructions. Can’t they just mail them?
Gadget: So he stepped out of the shadows? So why was he in the shadows in the first place?And finally, if your wondering who I am, allow me to show you, (the
figure walks out of the shadows, and shows himself to be none other
than Rat Capone) I am Rat Capone and I will see you under the Chicago
bridge at midnight tonight Chicago time.”
Monty: Gadget, luv, you have to understand-
Gadget: Don’t you Gadget Luv me! It’s a legitimate question!
Chip: Yeah, but Monty has a point. Rat Capone is about as sharp as a bucket of wet mice.
Gadget: So he was hiding because he saw it on TV?
Dale: Aren’t we all?
Gadget: Oh God! I’m so teffired! My teff is so fired I just can’t handle it anymore! I hope I can find a tub of individual peanut butter packets or a stack of tie clips or something, whatever is used to deteff, so I can deteff FAST. Heh, get it, because...(The screen goes blank, and disc stops playing, and Desiree teffired
at what she just heard,
Monty: Are you okay?
Gadget: Yeah... just a little... teffy...
Chip: Oh, gee, I’m so oblivious I didn’t even my Sunday School kids get hurt. Such a dope! Can’t even things right in front of my face...what was she to do, she obliviously didn’t her
Sunday school kids to get hurt, so the only thing she could do, was
what Rat Capone told her to do.)
Dale: Celine Dion? Are... are we in the right franchise?(So later that night, Desiree hops on the 6pm non-stop flight to
Chicago as Rat Capone told her to do so. While on the flight and with
Celine Dion’s “It’s All Coming Back to me now” playing on the plane’s
Gadget: Nothing about this is right, Dale.
Chip: Not no act, no how!Desiree tried to think of way to get out this, because she
really didn’t want to do this, her promise to herself was to forget
and put her criminal past out of her mind, not to relive it once
again, that’s when she got the idea, maybe she should tell the Rangers
about Rat Capone, and his threat to her and her Sunday School kids,
but the question was, would they believe her, after her last encounter
with them, well if that was the case, all she codo wdo was pray to the
Lord, and hope they would help her, because this time it was the real
thing not no act.)
Dale: But what codo wdo?
Gadget: The sad thing is, sometimes there’s nothing codo wdo.
Monty: At least not without fifty thousand commas to one’s name.
Monty: Known in Conan Doyle fan circles as “Sh** Sherlock.”End of Scene 2.
Scene 3: (We see Desiree approaching Ranger headquarters on foot in
the rain, still hoping and praying that they would help her, but
inside Ranger headquarters, we see the Rangers involved in some of
their own personal hobbies, Gadget tinkering with one of her
inventions, Chip sitting on the couch reading one his “Sherlock Jones”
Gadget: God, who scored this? Tara Gilesbie?Monty and Zipper enjoying some Swiss cheese and a apple core,
Monty seems in better mood, than he did this morning, Dale, Foxy,
Wescott, and Tammy are enjoying and dancing to some music on the radio
(currently playing “Youngstown’s “Pedal to the Steel” ),
Dale: Gadget, you’re about as Goffik as Tara Strong.
Chip: And the snake of the swinger lifestyle enters this pint-sized eden.and enjoy
switching dance partners at the same time.
Dale: Oh, right, because Chip never drags us out in the rain after 5PM weekdays.While this was all going
on, there is a loud knock at the door, which stops everyone in middle
of their hobbies and fun)
Chip: (getting up from the couch and his book to who it is) “Hmm, I
wonder who that could be? I mean who needs our help at this time of
night.” (8:00 pm Chicago time)
Chip: Dale, just because I have a work ethic-
Monty: Hey, remember that time we hid that hundred dollar bill from Chip by putting it on top of his pillow?
Chip: Monty, don’t encourage him!
[/quote](Chip’s, like everyone else’s question is answed as he opens the door
to see Desiree standing there)
Desiree: “Please help me.”[/quote]
Dale: Why am I imagining this voice really small and squeaky and ...melty?
Monty: EEEE! HELP MEEEE!
Chip: Once former, now reactivated per regulation C paragraph IX.(Monty sees who it is, while standing behind Chip, and doesn’t look
very happy to see Desiree, his once former lover standing there in the
doorway asking for help)
Gadget: Beethoven was deaf, and so is Nelly, apparently.Monty (defesnely):
Chip: Now, I was never a fan of Nelly, but don’t compare him to Monterey Jack.
Chip: So really, “with rain rolling down her face.”“Why, the last time you said you needed our help,
you set us up, especially me.”
Desiree (with tears rolling down her face, which has already been
soaked by the rain, along with the rest of her body):
Monty: Ooh, wet angora sweater contest!
Gadget: Oh, God, yuck, I’ve seen enough of your wet sweaters to turn me off for a lifetime. Mouse moobs... blugh.
Monty: Try again, honey.“I know Monzie,
ande bee been trying to repent myself for the criminal past that I’ve
Chip: Ande Bee has been trying to repent of her past?
Monty: Okay, but who’s Ande Bee?
Dale: Maybe Andes Bees repented in her stead?
Monty: Okay, so bees from the Andes interceded... still not buying it.
Gadget: And this is all delivered in a thick French accent. It’s a wonder we got anywhere with her.
Chip: Moviespeak for “I am a stinking liar,”But please you gotta believe me,
Monty: Oh, great, so you’ve taken little kids hostage this time? Why, I oughtta-this no act I’m playing, this is
real this time, and if you don’t help, innocent children will be
seriously hurt. Please, you gotta believe me!”
Dale: Monty, sit down. You’ll just ruin the screen again.
Gadget: Ah, so easy to fall back to the dark side.(Foxglove, standing near Dale, sees that Desiree is breaking down in
tears, and falling to her knees, as if almost in pain, asking and
pleading for their help, and Foxy realizes that she was once there
herself, and by her past experience with her now-hated enemy Winifred,
she can tell, just by looking at Desiree, that she is indeed telling
the truth, and that this was no act. And she is the first one to offer
Desiree their help)
Chip: Wait, did she force her to walk the whole way on her knees? Geez, talk about penitence.Foxy (coming up to the doorway and helping Desiree to her knees and
inside to Rangers headquarters, and to the couch):
Dale: Here, have a sit at this chair.“Here Desiree,
please come inside and have a sit at the couch, while I get you a
glass of water, and then you can tell us the whole story.”
Monty: Hey, be nice, Dale. When you’re drunk, sitting down is worse than the ring toss at the fair.
Monty: Oh, great! Just what the soaked lady needs. MORE WATER.(As Foxy goes to the kitchen to get a glass of water for Desiree,
Chip: I’m psychic.Dale
follows her in toe, and asks her what’s she doing)
Dale: “Foxy, what are you doing, why are you offering our help, didn’t
you hear what Monty said.”[
Foxy (turns to face Dale): “Dale, you of all people should know that I
was once in the same position as Desiree’s in, and that it may have
took a while, but I did prove that I had changed my ways, why, because
you and everyone else gave me a chance to prove it, and I truly
believe that Desiree has indeed changed her ways, because
Gadget: But wait, the whole idea of taking hostages is that you don’t care but you know other people do-the old Desiree, from what Monty once described to me, wouldn’t have cared if
innocent children got hurt, but now she does, don’t you think that she
does deserve a chance to prove herself to you and to the rest of us.”
Monty: Gadget. No. If you start pointing out logical flaws we’ll be here all night.
Monty: You see? You see what happens when you give a soaked person a glass of water? They clam up! No wonder! Have a little sense in these things, don’t just-Dale (looking down at the floor, thinking about what Foxy had just
said, and then looks up at her and smiles): “Yeah, yeah I do.”
Foxy (smiles back at Dale and give him a kiss on his right cheek):
“Good, now let’s see what she has to say.”
(Dale and Foxy return to the living room, and Foxy gives the glass of
water to Desiree, who finally clams down
Chip: Monty, he said she clammed down.
Monty: Wait, she what? I...
Gadget: Yeah, extremely shocked. Criminals are totally new to us. God, who wrote this?!and explains her situation to
the Rangers, who become extremely shocked as Desiree explains the
details of Capone’s plans, and what will happen if she doesn’t do as
Chip: Never get between me and my lady. Never.Desiree: “…and so to keep him from hurting the kids, he told me to
meet him under the Chicago bridge at midnight, so he can give me his
first instructions. But am afraid he’ll hurt them anyway, and that’s
why I came to you guys for help.”
Chip (who’s seated near Desiree, with Gadget on the other side of her
who puts her hand on Desiree shoulder as does Chip):
Monty: Oh my - are we going to kill him?!“Don’t worry
Desiree, we’ve stopped Capone before, and we’ll do it again, and this
time for keeps.”
Dale: Yup. Feed him right into the meat grinder. (pantomimes pushing a piece of meat into a grinder.) Pppppthhhh, squish.
Dale: Wait, putting her hands on our whats?Gadget: “Chip’s right Desiree, this will be the last time Capone will
try to hurt anyone, especially little kids.”
Desiree (putting her hands on both Gadget’s and Chip’s and looking
back and forth at both of them):
Gadget: Chip, is there anything you want to tell me?
Monty: “Man, y’all are SO LAME.”“Thank you both, in fact, thank you
all, even you Monzie.”
(After hearing Desiree thank him, along with everyone else, Monty just
turns and walks away, towards his room, not even looking back at
Desiree or anyone else.
Gadget: As usual, it was sort of enough, but not really enough. Wescott, your generic halfway solution for not-so-pressing problems.Upon seeing this Desiree is almost about to
break into tears again, but Wescott, kinda enough, tells her to dry
Chip: Oh no. I smell shipping.Wescott (putting his hand on Desiree’s right shoulder and looks her in
the eyes): “Don’t worry Miss Desiree, I’ll go and talk to him.”
Desiree: “Thank you Mr. Wescott.”
Wescott (smiling): “No problem, and please, just call me Wes.”
Gadget: Wes? Really? What’s he gonna do, put on a Bluetooth earpiece next and start calling everybody ‘bra?’
Monty: Hey, he can keep the little harridan.
Dale: Uh oh. I think he’s breaking up with you, Monty.(After saying that, Wescott heads towards Monty’s room, while everyone
begins to plan out a way to stop Capone, without him knowing that
their on to him.)
(Wescott is now standing outside Monty’s bedroom door and knocks)
Wescott: “Monty, can I come in, we need to talk, Monty?”
Monty: Hold me, Dale!
Chip: Gone. And how!(Wescott knocks again, still there is no reply, Wescott then turns the
knob on the door, goes inside and is shocked to see that Monty’s gone,
Chip: “Nobuddy luvs me an i hav to walk thes raven-dark shadows an nobody cars abowt me an im gunna run away you all can be so happy wifout me ITS OK IM FINE!!!”Wescott then turns to his left and sees Monty’s window is
open, with a number of bed sheets tied together, he then notices a
note hanging above the window, he takes it down and silently reads it,
and then takes the note, leaves Monty’s room, and goes back to join
the others, who are wondering why Monty’s not with him.)
Gadget: Yes, the oldest and most experienced member of the team, running away like a twelve year old girl.
Chip: Wait, he sets his head down? Like on the table? I hate to say this, Gadget, but a character with a detachable head might be pretty interesting.Tammy: “Um, Wes, where’s Monty, we thought you were going to talk some
sense into him, and convince him to help us.”
Wescott (looking at Tammy and everyone else, and then puts his head
Gadget: I’m still skeptical.
Monty: I have so many commas, in my heart, to give,“Monty’s gone, left out his bedroom window, (Wescott looks back
up at everyone), and all he did was leave this note.”
(Chip takes the note from Wescott, and reads it at loud to everyone,
who are shocked at Monty has said in this note)
Chip (reading Monty’s note): “Dear Rangers, It’s obvious, that you
guys just won’t listen,
Dale: One single, giant fool, like a robot made of smaller robots,I mean Desiree is playing you all for a fool,
Chip: And leave, all of you friends of mine, to wind up dead,and you guys just don’t realize it. She can shed all the tears she
wants, and say that this no act, that this time it’s the real thing
and that little children can get hurt, but should all know by now
that’s it’s all a lie, and before you know it, you’ll all probably
wind up dead somewhere because you chose to believe her, and not your
best friend, who knows Desiree better than anyone. And if that’s the
case, then I have no choice, but to quit the team,
Monty: Uh, he does realize Australia is a real place, right? And not just an expression?and head for the
airport, so I can get a flight home back to the Down Under.
Monty: Yeah! FORGET those sunday school kids being held hostage!If you
guys don’t want me to leave, then come to airport, and bring Desiree,
so we and I personally can put her back on a flight to Canada. Your
good friend and former teammate, Monty.”
Chip: Responseding?Gadget (after hearing what Monty said in the note, is not very happy
at all): “I can’t believe Monty would do this to us, all because he
feels that Desiree is setting us up.”
Dale: Yeah, like how you’re in chat and someone responds, and it goes ding. Responseding.
(a ding sounds and everyone digs out their phones)
Chip: Not me. (closes phone)
Dale: Shucks! Me neither! (pockets phone)
Monty: Not it. (lowers phone)
Gadget: It was just an alarm. “Take dramamine before the movie.” (puts away phone)
Monty: Every single one of my French girlfriends has said “gonna.” How does that happen to a guy? I mean, really?to what Gadget just said, and in a sad tone
replies): “You can’t blame Monzie for saying those things and doing
what he did, Gadget, after all, not everyone can fully believe that
someone indeed has changed their ways for the better good for
themselves and everyone else around them, like I have, and I just wish
Monzie would believe that I have changed, and would help as well, but
that’s not gonna happen now.”
Chip: I dunno. Maybe rescue the friggin’ schoolchildren first?Chip (sitting up from the couch, and turns to face Desiree): “Oh yes
it will. (Everyone looks at Chip to see what he means) All we have to
do is go to the airport and convince Monty to give Desiree a chance,
like we did for Foxglove when Dale convinced us too, because he knew
she had indeed changed her ways. So what do you say guys.”
Gadget: Good to see I’m not painted as a petty harpy.(Everyone looks at Chip again and smiles and Desiree gets up from the
couch and gives Chip a small kiss on his cheek, as show of thanks, in
which Gadget doesn’t mind)
Dale: Oh, of course not! I mean, it’s not like we’re watching Star Trek or anything.
Monty: Orion Slave Chauvinism away!
Chip: Again with the assassination! Did this guy ever watch the show?!Chip: “All right then, we have one hour till midnight, so lets get to
the airport and try to talk some sense into Monty, and then go to the
Chicago bridge and put a stop to Capone’s plans before they even
start, and if need be, put a stop to him as well.”
Dale: I know! Our tactic is to release every single criminal to wreak havoc another day, assuming they’ll learn their lesson when they clearly never have!
Chip: Speaking of ‘stun gun,’ I’m feeling pretty incapacitated right now.(And with that said, everyone starts to get their gear together, they
even give Desiree a weapon (Stun Gun) as well, and head out the door,
next stop the airport.)
End of scene 3
Monty: Chin up, lad! It’s half over!
Gadget: Well, it’s half over according to our author, who isn’t exactly...
Chip: Isn’t exactly the picture of lucidity.
Dale: Color me teffired!
Monty: Gadget, able to throw her voice since ventriloquist training, sent it ahead. Her body, being understandably afflicted with laryngitis, would catch up about a quarter of an hour later, winded and reduced to pantomiming instructions to the rest of the team.Scene 4: (The Airport)
(We see Monty getting himself ready to board the plane back to his
home, when he hears Gadget‘s voice coming up from behind him)
Gadget: “Monty wait!”
Monty: Wow, that’s taking the high road.(Monty turns around to see Gadget running up to him, along with the
other Rangers, and Desiree)
Monty: “Well, have you guys changed your minds and decided to listen
to me about Desiree.”
Gadget: “No! We’ve come to try to talk some sense into you.”
Monty: “Oh, is that all? Well forget it! I’m not listening to anyone
or anything till she (points at Desiree) leaves.”
Dale (walking up to Monty): “Don’t you think that’s a little childish
on your part Monty. I mean only a little baby, who can’t their way or
get what they want would say something like that. Maybe you oughta act
more like adult and a Ranger, instead of baby and listen to what we
have to say.”
Chip: Aww, come on, Monty! You’re just a little chicken! Cheep cheep cheep!
Dale: Yep, I hit the nail right on coffin, cutting his bread and butter right out from under his feet.(Monty’s looks down to the floor and drops his bag, because he just
realizes that Dale had hit the nail on coffin.
Monty: Well, kind of. Sort of. But only because calling me a little baby made me feel sort of churlish.Dale was right; he was
acting like baby who couldn’t get their way. He looks up at the
Rangers and in a way admits defeat.)
Gadget: Wait, what? Are airport tarmacs suddenly littered with chairs?Monty: “All right, you guys win. I’ll listen.”
(So Monty sits down in a nearby chair,
Dale: WHO THE HELL IS WESCOTT?and listen to what the Rangers
are saying on how at two different times (Foxy and Wescott), they all
had to learn to trust and let those who once enemies and unusual
allies prove that they indeed changed their ways. And that now it was
Desiree’s turn to prove it.)
Chip: Yeah, it’s definitive. This is gonna get ugly.Monty (looking up at the Rangers): “You’re right, if we at two
different points in life can give Foxglove and Wescott a chance to
prove that they had changed, then Desiree deserves the same chance.”
(Monty gets up from the chair and suddenly embraced by everyone)
Monty (letting go of the embrace and picks up his bag from the floor):
“Now, what’d you say we go kick some Capone ass!”
Gadget: Uh, I think whenever someone uses the phrase “kick some ass” it is, by definition, not going to get ugly beyond gradeschool pushing and shoving.
Chip: “Let’s all kill ourselves right now and hope we wake up in a better, more canonical universe.”Chip: “Then I guess there is only thing to say then.”
Dale: Eighties freeze frame, AWAY!(All the Rangers including Desiree put each other hands on each
Rangers and Desiree: “RESCUE RANGERS AWAY!!”
Dale: The where?End of scene 4
Scene 5: (Under the Chicago Bridge in the pouring rain)
Gadget: J-just go with it. I just want it to end now.
Gadget: All those one-hour-per-week sunday school classes have forged unbreakable bonds in my heart.We see the figure of Rat Capone waiting, when suddenly we hear Desiree
voice from behind him.
Rat Capone: (turns around to see Desiree walking up to him.) “Well,
it’s about to time you showed up, I was about to have second thoughts
on if you cared about those kids or not.”
Desiree: “Capone, I care more about those kids more than I value my
own life, and I would indeed do anything to keep them safe from the
likes of you.”
Dale: Man, if she’s not going to turn back to evil at this point, she’s wasted a perfectly good opportunity here.Rat Capone: “That’s good to hear; because your first instructions are
to help rid me of those pesky Rescue Rangers once and for all do you
Desiree: “Yes I do, but it’s funny you should mention the Rescue Rangers.”
Monty: By this point, Capone has turned around so many times he is staggering and beginning to vomit. He sits down for a moment, hoping the world will stop spinning.Rat Capone: “And why is that, my dear?”
(Desiree points to behind Capone, and Capone turns around only to see
the Rangers standing behind him, ready to attack, but Capone turns
back around with evil grin on his face, which makes Desiree curious)
Monty: Sugar Ray? Aww, man, he’s gonna bore us to death with bland nineties pop music.Rat Capone: “I had a feeling you going to do something like this,
that’s why I came prepared, (he snaps his fingers, and Sugar Ray and
Arnold suddenly appear out the darkness along with some huge giant
Chip: Portion them carefully into ice cube trays! I want seven! Eight shall not be the number of the pools, nor six...boys, kill the Rangers, till there’s nothing left but
seven pools of blood!
Chip: “Miss Beezy?”While I personally take of Miss B**** here.”
Dale: “Miss Bando?”
Gadget: “Miss Boson?” Monty?
Monty: Nope. “Miss Bored.”
Gadget: Because the number of enemies is as fluid as the continuum of time itself.(And with that, the fighting begins, the Rangers seemed to
outnumbered, but that doesn’t stop them,
Dale: Deadly attentions? What, did he mortify someone’s pride?they continue to fight, while
Capone squares off with Desiree, with nothing but deadly attentions on
Dale: Yeah, a false sense of security from a sneak attack. Ninja attacks make me feel so safe.Rat Capone: “So you decided to defy me, instead of doing what I ask,
and then you think you can lead me into a false sense of security with
a sneak attack, who do the hell do you are, huh, some kind of hero,
while I got news for you, your not, and now your going to suffer.”
Monty: I know. Anytime someone in night vision goggles garrotes me from behind, it’s like a warm blanket around my shoulders.
Chip: Capone again begins to grow dizzy, and sits down flat on his backside. Ugh. Shouldn’t have had Taco Bell.(With that, Capone lunges at Desiree with a sharp knife in hand, but
Desiree moves to the left, and Capone misses her, he turns around and
tries to lunge at her again with knife, and again misses, Capone
begins to grow frustrated.)
Chip: Furriest Buyer?Rat Capone: “Stand still you F******* B****, so I can plunge this
right though the center of you heart!”
Gadget: Futurist Buggy?
Dale: Farrrrrt Blast?
Monty: Fabulous Bored.
Gadget: Monty, that doesn’t make sense.
Monty: Nothing makes sense anymore.
Monty: Quoting the late-nineties rave tune, “I’m not going ove,ove, so come and get me a**hole!” Not going ove,ove! Not going ove,ove!Desiree (pulls out the stun gun the Rangers gave her, sets at maxuim
power, and aims at Capone): “If you want me, here I am, I’m not going
ove,ove, so come get me A**hole!”
Chip and Dale: Not going ove,ove! Not going ove,ove!
Gadget: You guys are so lame.
Gadget: Wait, is this a stun gun, or a shaped explosive charge?(So as Capone lunges at her for a third time, Desiree brings the stun
gun up, and with all her strength, fires the gun at the maxuim power
she set it for right at Capone, who is hit right in the chest at
velocity of the blast, and is knocked right towards the edge to where
you can see the Michigan river.
Monty: “Nobody could’ve survived that not-quite-fall!”Believing Capone is dead,
Chip: So we’re reduced to the level of dumb, mean schoolyard bullies.Desiree heads back towards the Rangers who just finished kicking the hell out
of Capone’s henchmen, who now look like roadkill,
Monty: Oh, for pity’s sake. It was only a paring knife.but as she goes over
to them, she doesn’t notice Capone getting back up, and with the last
of his strength throws the sharp knife at Desiree, who doesn’t see it
coming but Monty does.)
Monty (yelling and running towards Desiree): “Desiree look out!”
(As she sees and hears Monty, she turns around to see the deadly blade
flying right towards her, but just as it about to hit her, Monty
pushes her out of the way, and takes the impact of the blade as it
hits him right in his right arm, causing him to fall down in extreme
Dale: Yeah, Monty, you’ve sat on sharper things than that.
Monty: Watch it...
Dale: Mainly because Monty is still attached.Desiree gets up to see what has happen, and then notices Capone
is laughing, and that only angers Desiree even more then before, that
she goes and picks up the blade.)
Desiree (throwing the blade right at Capone): “GO TO HELL, YOU BASTARD!!!!”
(Capone stops laughing as the blade hits him right square in the
Chip: He collapses as if he’s been hit by a freight train.
Monty: Nobody could’ve survived that fall.Capone looks up in shock, as the blood starts to flow from his
mouth, and he starts to walk backwards, and then before he falls, he
throws something in the air.)
Rat Capone (dying): “You may have beaten but but unless you can cut
the right wire in this remote to stop the bomb, then you haven’t won
anything. HA, HA, HA, HA-(Capone then finally falls off the edge and
into the river)-AHHHHH!”
Gadget: So throw it in the river! What’s it gonna do, splash us to death?(Foxglove catches the remote, and sees that there is only 1:50 left
before it causes the bomb to goes off, she hands it to Gadget.)
Monty: So he’s basically just like every fanboy ever.Gadget: “Hmm let’s see, if we know Capone, it has to be this wire.”
(Thus, she cuts the yellow wire, and the remote stops with 0:05 left.
Everybody breaths a sigh of relief.)
Wescott: “But how did you know that was the wire to cut, Gadget?”
Gadget: “Easy, Wes, Capone always had a sick crush on me, so he
obliviously went with the closest color that would match my hair, so
that’s how I knew.”
Dale: Wait, I thought your hair was orange?
Gadget: I wish I could say I don’t know what this guy’s talking about.
Monty: Wescott noncommittally hedged, as usual.Wescott: “Oh, I guess that makes sense, sort of.”
Chip: He has a horrific stab wound to his anterior brachial fat fold.Foxglove (goes up to Gadget): “Uh, Gadget, what are we going to do
about Monty, he’s extremely hurt, and looks like he needs some medical
attention right away.”
Monty: Watch it, boyo.
Monty: Wait, what happened to me? Did they get me to the hospital? Did I die? Did my insurance cover ANYTHING?(Gadget goes over to where Monty’s at, and use Monty’s coat as a
temporary bandage to cover the wound which is very deep, and then she
and the other Rangers and Desiree help carry him to the RangerWing.
And fly off towards the nearest hospital.)
End of scene 5
Scene 6: (One month later back at Ranger Headquarters,
Chip: The only martial art I’ve ever seen Tammy practice is the art of Whine Fu.we see the
Rangers once again in their usual actives, Gadget working on a new
invention, Chip reading a Sherluck Jones book, Wescott and Tammy
practicing their martial arts skills,
Dale: But since it’s a gamecube, it doesn’t count.Dale and Foxy playing a Gamecube
game which Foxy is winning,
Chip: Still, it’s not quite as lame as playing Wii.
Monty: No habla espanol! (fidgets with remote)Zipper napping, and yes even Monty,se ase
Monty: Jesus Christ! I didn’t want to know! I didn’t want to know...arm was damaged so badly, the doctors fitted him with a artificial one
Dale: There, there. I still love ya, you ol’ tinfist.
(Monty hangs his head)
Dale: And the box says “hey! Dogface! I’m down here! Figure just because you’re taller than me that nobody’s at the door... why I oughtta...”eating some bire’86 cheese. When suddenly they hear a knock
on the door. Chip gets up to see who it is, but when he opens it, no
one is there, he then looks down to see a box there, he picks it and
brings it in.)
Gadget: Actually, that’s not true. Its contents could only be large enough to fit inside the box.Dale (curious looking at the box): “I wonder what’s inside.”
Tammy: “Could be anything.
Chip: And nothing inside that box could make this story worthwhile.
Monty: Oh, no, is he gonna break into another musical number?(Tammy notices an envelope on top) Hey,
this might tells us something.” (And with that opens the envelope to
read the letter, it is from Desiree, and goes something like this….)
Gadget: Hang on, I’m trying to find my Dramamine.
Monty: Personally, in a huge bulk letter. Yep. That’s my ex.(Tammy reading the letter): “Dear, Friends, I know it’s been a month
since the incident with Capone, but I wanted to thank you personally
for all your help.
Chip: And like the police, God arrives too late in the story to do anything and takes all the credit.I know that it was very hard for you guys to trust me, giving our past
history together, but I believe God help me finally earn your trust,
Chip: O’ Mighty God!and with that I would like you guys to have these, (The Rangers pull
out seven crystal crosses that have their names on the front and a
message on the back that says this: “God is always there when you need
him”), and remember that if there you can trust one in this world,
it’s the O’ Mighty God himself.
Dale: Uh-oh! Mightygod-Os!
Monty: Honey God Mighty-Os!
Dale: Oh, awesome! Now we can fight vampires and werewolves, and maybe even get inducted into Bureau 13!Once I thank you for your help, and
may God Bless You Always. Love Desiree Delur.”
Gadget: “These Jesus Juking gifts sure prove her goodness!”Gadget (putting the cross around her neck, and then looking at Monty,
who has tears swelling up in his eyes): “Well, Monty, Do you trust
Dale: yeah, as if Monty would get teary eyed. Monty?Monty (wiping the tears from eyes and looking at the cross and then
back at Gadget): “You bet I do luv, you bet I do.”
(Monty is softly sobbing)
Monty: God, I can’t escape with one single shred of my dignity intact!
Chip: Take heart. At least you weren’t defeated by self-imposed dizziness, like Rat Capone.
Chip: End.End of scene 6
Dale: END.End of Story
Monty: For the love of God, END!The End
Last edited by Decent Weasel; 07-29-2012 at 03:41 PM.